Divided Selves

When I knew how to do it, the word "multi tasking" hadn't been invented. It just meant that you could do more than one thing at a time without forgetting your name or losing your place - or that if you were interrupted mid task, you could actually remember what you'd been doing and not forget to finish it. It's a skill I badly miss.

I now work at a modeling agency. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 potential models are signed up to attend a twice yearly competition. They are first divided by competition ( summer or winter ) then summer and winter are divided by cities. Cities are divided by class schedules, class schedules are divided by payment plans ( up to 4 are available ) and payment plans are divided by method of payment. Models are divided by age, gender and category ( print, commercial or fashion ). Scripts are divided by category ( drama or comedy ) and drama and comedy are each divided by age and gender. All this division has got me to envying the simplicity of schizophrenia.

Like it or not, to a certain extent we are all defined by what we do. When a customer at my last job described me as a "fixture" - meaning that she couldn't imagine my not being there - I was flattered as well as a little taken aback. We are more than what we do.

At a recent and high class fundraiser, I saw a great many people that I had waited on for the last ten years. A great many were all smiles and hugs but an even number looked right through me - I suppose because I wasn't in place behind the counter. It's ocurred to me on numerous occasions that there's a difference between serving someone and being a servant to them, a distinction many overlook. We are more than where we may be.

During my first marriage, I hid behind my new name. It was a time of great insecurity and change and my fight or flight reflex was constantly being triggered. In no time, my identity became so and so's wife and it was a very long time before I decided to be my own person. We are more than who we marry.

We are more than where we come from, more than what we do, more than what people see. We are more than our expectations or ambitions or flaws or mistakes. We are much more than our packaging. We are who we are.