In the World of Cats

The black and white cat sits quietly on the dressing table, silently observing, her green eyes fixated on the sunroom windows, her front paws primly together. There is motion outside, a squirrel perhaps, or a bird seeking shelter in the crepe myrtle. She is patient, alert to the rustling sounds and moving branches, curious but not impetuous. She is a watcher, content to be a safe distance away and on the sidelines. She will not call attention to herself or make a wild scene. She will not stalk or give in to her impulse to investigate but rather sit calmly. She has gained the high ground and will maintain it unless challenged. By nature, she is wary, shy, drawn inward and cautious. She treads lightly and with soft, quick steps so as not to be noticed. She keeps her guard up at all times, just in case. But for the occasional timid meow at the sound of the can opener, I would hardly know she was here. I think at one time, we were very much alike, locked up inside ourselves and locked away from others,
too frightened of a misstep to risk any step at all. In the world of cats, this is unremarkable but in the world of humans, it makes a difference.

Lately I have been struggling with an impulse to take a backward step and return to safer ground. I dislike conflict of any sort and recently I find myself in it almost daily. I deal with it badly, allowing my feelings to be hurt by a tone of voice or a thoughtless remark, resenting the criticism and reminders of my mistakes, wanting to smash something at the next unreasonable accusation. It feels all too familiar, all too much like going home, all too much like blame. I would rather not see my own part in this - much more comfortable to assign fault to someone else. My own need to be right, to be vindicated, adds fuel to an already hostile fire.

But I do not live in the world of cats and must fight my battles on a different plane. I say a small prayer that I will not be someone who must diminish others to feel good, that I will find the strength to resist those who do, and that I will concentrate on my own faults and not those of others.