When someone you are trying to harden your heart against suddenly turns kind, it's annoying. How am I supposed to feed and care for a grudge when people won't stay in character? Fortunately, this sort of thoughtless turnabout behavior is not all that common - heaven help my resentful soul if it were.
I am hardly fool enough to believe that this is completely altruism-based or no more than the act of a decent and generous human being, but still I was caught with my guard down and momentarily at a loss for words before I managed a thank you and hoped it didn't sound as surprised to his ears as it did to mine. I tried hard to recall my last close encounter with him, a furious reprimand complete with wringing of hands and much shouting, tried to remember what I had felt during the attack, how angry and hurt I had been. But the incident had become no more than a blurry recollection of a few very bad moments and a handful of harsh words.
To dwell on past wrongs seems as if it wouldn't be much of a challenge, especially for the adult child of an alcoholic and I'm routinely frustrated when I can't maintain what I consider to be an acceptable level of resentment toward someone who has harmed me. How is it possible to get even when you can't remember the damage? How can you take revenge on someone when you've gotten past the injury? I refuse to think of this in terms of forgiveness - I will not surrender the habits of a lifetime just because the image of a kinder, gentler me likes to lurk around the edges of my mind and wave temptation in my face. The very least you should be able to rely on from an enemy is consistency.
Human nature is a mysterious and misunderstood thing.
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