A Circle of Women

Optimism is evidence-based - Steven Colbert

Sitting in a 12 step meeting one night, I listened to various speakers debate whether action follows attitude or attitude determines action. It was a lively exchange, humorous at times but dead on for those of us still bewildered by circumstances and the newness of the concept that we had to change rather than change the drinker in our lives. We had mostly come to discover the secrets of how to make a loved one stop drinking, how to save a marriage, how to cope, how to face another day, how to keep the bills paid. We were unprepared to be told - with great kindness and gentle smiles - that the secrets lay within ourselves. We had come for solutions and been advised to look inward, as if the true problem was with us. It was unsettling to sit in a circle and be accepted but not pitied or comforted.

It was mostly a circle of women, some newcomers and some old hands, all ages and all colors, some clearly well off, others in obvious economic distress. They were well spoken and inarticulate, smiling and in tears, single and married, gay and straight. They all had partners or children or parents or friends that were addicted - there were horrific tales of drug use, tough love, black outs and failed attempts at rehab. I listened to bitterness and resignation, regret and rage as well as optimism and hope, humility and empathy. There was a great deal I resented and didn't understand - how these women could nod and smile and offer encouragement when their lives were in tatters made no sense.
How a mother could abandon a child or leave a partner was as equally incomprehensible to me as those who chose to stay and tolerate the brutal abuse of a still drinking alcoholic.

Despite their situations, their experiences, their environments, these were intact women, survivors one and all, clear headed and committed and amazingly willing to share their stories. They guided by example not well intentioned advice. They offered suggestions based on what had and hadn't helped them. They did not offer easy answers or quick fixes nor did they recommend staying or running. They freely admitted their own backsliding, learning from it but not clinging to it.

The meeting ended with the entire circle standing, joining hands and reciting the Serenity Prayer. The woman who had been seated beside me - pale faced and tired looking but still pretty and about my age - asked if I would like a cup of coffee. When I declined, she dug into her tote - I remember it still, oversized and lime green with a huge ladybug on either side - and produced a plastic bag of oatmeal cookies. Sweet tooth? she asked and I couldn't help but smile. I shook my head and she dropped the cookies back into the tote and produced a small slip of paper. My name's Kay, she told me, If you need to talk, please call me. I hope we'll see you again. I must have looked unsure or even put off because she took a quick step back and cocked her head at me and inexplicably I felt a sudden urge to cry. She nodded and shrugged her shoulders. What have you got to lose? she asked and with another smile she shouldered her neon tote and walked away with a brief wave.

When someone asks how you are and you can answer without first referencing the alcoholic in your life, that's a step forward, I heard at the next meeting. It was Kay, still pale and still tired looking, still carrying her green tote, still smiling. I did it today, for the first time in years and I may not be able to do it tomorrow but.....I did it today. There was quiet clapping for this small victory and her willingness to share it. I thought of how I reacted when people asked me the same question and realized I always began with my husband's progress or mood, never my own, as if everything I felt depended on what he felt. It was a moment of light.

There were more such moments to come - tiny flashes of insight and awareness, of self inspection and examination of my own motives. I was no box of chocolates myself - I had gotten myself into this and I could get myself out. With the help of this circle of women I gradually became stronger, more honest, and un-victimized. Clarity of thought and attitude was in reach.

Optimism may indeed be evidence-based but hope is it's foundation.