Small Bites

When you get mad, my daddy used to like to tell me, Count to ten. When you get really mad, count to one hundred. I never was able to get much past thirty.

My temper gets the best of me far more often than I like and like all good children of alcoholics, I keep it to myself where it feeds on my dark side. I rationalize it, protect it, tell myself it's in self defense but the truth is that rage and resentment are eating me alive in small bites. Each workday brings a fresh wound and I dread the eight hours at the clinic, staying tensed for an attack, being so distracted that I make more rather than less mistakes, thereby giving the doctor all the more reason to lose his temper. More and more days run together in a blur of feeling targeted, defensive, angry and anxious. I have come to understand that it's time to move on - unfortunately, there are miles and miles between knowing and doing and my natural instinct to avoid change and newness kicks in with a self assured smirk. I hate my fears.

I have never been burdened with self confidence, never really believed I could actually do the jobs I've had, needing to be convinced by time and tenure. The thought of starting again terrifies me, the process of job searching is depressing and unsettling. The thought staying even more so. Too many of my decisions have been forced on me by circumstances, economic or otherwise. This small place between the rock and the hard place is getting too well worn for my taste, too suited to my anatomy. I am besieged by the need for a living wage, a suspicion that I'm not worth it, the weight of ever increasing debt, the knowledge that I'm not young, barely marketable, and have a world weary lack of faith in myself. There are too many days when it all feels like a facade. These are dark days to be out of work.

So I pull on my scrubs, apply make up and a false smile, and do my best to be invisible and unnoticed in the workplace. Don't screw up, I tell myself, relax, pay attention, get it done right and get on with it. Who knows what tomorrow will bring. My mind controls my attitude, I remind myself, and my attitude controls my actions. I have only this one day to contend with.

Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats - Voltaire