The What If War

From the kingdoms of Fear to Unsure to Maybe I Can, all in The Land of Rut, I have fought the What If War for the last 50 years or so. I try to follow orders and never lead an attack, falling back on my frail confidence when against a wall but otherwise beating a sensible retreat. I never, ever visit the Isle of Confrontation, it is a savage, dark place inhabited by a loud and brutally honest race of street thugs. I prefer to spend my time in Complacency Cove with its gentle breezes and every day certainty - life may not be perfect there, but at least it's familiar and I know my place and what's expected of me - I do not leave these kingdoms willingly.

It is this combination of apprehension about the unknown, lack of confidence and misplaced loyalty that keep me in my place. Self doubt runs rampant in this war and disaster lurks around every corner - what if the car breaks down, what if fall and shatter a hip, what if my temper gets the best of me, what if this happens or that doesn't. The constant beating back of these thoughts wears me out and I get a headache thinking of all the things that might go wrong. It would be just as simple to concentrate on all the things that might go right, it's really all just a trick of the mind anyway, but human nature is a fragile and unpredictable beast and the darker side of possibility is powerful and seductive. Still, I remind myself, I have come this far and lived this long, still vertical and above ground, no small victories.

The war wages on perhaps in part because it is so much easier to think in terms of the negative rather than the positive. I could just as easily imagine "What if I win the lottery?" as opposed to "What if I lose my job?" - but I don't and likely wouldn't even if I played the lottery. The dark side of doom and gloom is more realistic than the view through rose colored glasses but real life is somewhere in between, in some dimly lit and hard to access demilitarized zone where there is a truce in place despite the threats from either side.

Life is a strange landscape, often shadowy and hard to navigate, randomly decorated with roadblocks and opportunities, littered with choices and dead ends.

Don't get lost, just make a new trail.
Brian Martin, "Ramblin' Life'