Flat Bellied Girls in Tight Tops

There's something flat out annoying about flat bellied girls in tight tops. Perhaps because I never was one - not even at the tender, innocent pre-breast and hipless age of 12 did I look like that - tall and willowy in snug jeans with a rock hard, exposed midriff and several strategically placed tattoos. They have nothing to hide and they do it with an irritating lack of self doubt whether on the dance floor or shopping or wandering the riverfront festivals with a child slung on one perfectly curved hip and another trailing behind. Did you just growl? a friend asks in the wake of one them strutting by in six inch heels and a smile, a miniature and to my mind, useless little purse hanging from one arm. Of course not! I snap - but I did.

This is, needless to say, nothing more than a developing case of anatomy-envy. I was born to a tall, slender father and a short, squat mother and genetics being genetics, it's my bad luck to favor my maternal side. The older I get, the more apparent it is. So I often growl and just as often deny it.

Physical resemblance aside, I also have - to my never ending dismay - her anger. Far as I have come, it's still there, always threatening to disrupt my life and make small molehills into hopeless mountains. I deny it, beat it back, offset it, refuse to give in to it but it sneers and snickers, bides its time, waits patiently until the right moment then explodes in furious emails or temper tantrums or words I regret the instant I say them and the few seconds of satisfaction have passed. It seems as if there's no good way to fight or manage this emotion - swallow it and it'll wreak havoc internally, express it and rue the consequences. It gnaws at me incessantly even when I'm not feeling it, skulking around the edges of a good day and hiding in the shadows of a great one. On bad days, it comes at me directly, full force and confident and the resulting headache leaves no doubt which side has won. It's a case of curious irony that all this effort to defeat anger should be ineffective and thereby produce more anger.

The battle against genetics is long lost, waged and decided in the womb.
The battle against taught behavior and learned reactions is still undecided.

Grrrrrrrr.