If our better natures are summoned by angels, then surely our dark sides are summoned by trolls.
The stress of working two jobs and still being unable to make ends meet - who could have foreseen the breakdown of the air conditioning system - has, of late, put me in a dark mood. I fight it but find myself giving in to quick temper with the animals and a total lack of patience with fellow workers. Mornings come too soon after nights of sleeping poorly and what rest I do get is troubled by wild dreams and night sweats. Everything annoys me - the weather, the astonishing re-growth of the crepe myrtle outside the door, inanimate objects that refuse to cooperate, the ongoing battle for order and neatness at work, the constant territorial spats among the cats. To paraphrase an old greeting card, the air is simply unacceptable.
This is the work of trolls, the dark side of my nature that concentrates on the dark side of life and sees only the obstacles and failures. This is the side that wants to take me down - it thrives on depression, worry, simmering anger, self doubt. It points out the fundamental unfairness of life and highlights negative emotions - anxiety,
weariness, fear and futility. Given free rein, it would pull me into a pit awash with self pity and resentments, it would drown me in my own guilt and lack of optimism. Vicious, long nailed little creatures, these trolls with bad teeth and evil in their eyes. They hunger to make mischief and inflict damage wherever they can.
When I feed them, they gain strength and become bolder and braver. When I don't, they retreat to whatever nasty little caves they live in and plot ways to return. They turn small, insignificant defeats into major uprisings and celebrate by dancing on graves. They cannot be killed, only kept at bay and out of sight by hope and peace of mind and acceptance.
Today I will not feed the trolls.
No comments:
Post a Comment