A Passing Storm

The music had already started when I walked in. I spoke to some friends, got a coke, and found a table in front. It was around the third song when I was blindsided by a wave of sadness that came from nowhere and pulled me under.

I tried to think it through. I was somehere I wanted to be, hearing the music I love best, watching musicians I love best. I had walked in happy, ready to listen and take pictures and suddenly I realized I was almost in tears. It didn't make any sense.

The feeling stayed with me through the entire first set and the second and the third. It intensified but got no clearer. I tried to shake it off, tried getting angry, tried analyzing, but the harder I struggled, the harder it held on. Hormones, I thought. A little left over menopause, I thought. This is too silly, I thought. I finally picked up my camera and began focusing on the musicians and willing myself to hear the music. During a break, my friend Aj found me. He took hold of my wrists, looked me straight in the eyes and asked what was wrong. And panic set in. I gave him a quick hug, assured him I was fine, just fine, and ran.

Once home, I crawled into the couch and pulled the blanket over my head. The small dog arrived, dug her way under and nestled up against me. When I began to cry, she looked at me then worked her way up til she was resting her head against my arm. Warm and secure, we both fell asleep to the dialogue of "The Maltese Falcon". Dreams came and went - fragments of the evening, the music, and snatches of dialogue from whatever was on the television. There is always some reality in dreams but it's jumbled and mixed up with other thoughts and different times and it rarely makes sense. In between dreams I was aware of a small, warm body curled up against me and I thought of all the times I'd had to hold her and stroke her, talk to her softly and reassure her. Not so very different than humans when they are frightened or hurt or alone or just sad.

Beginnings and endings are different parts of the same journey. Over the course of a lifetime, each will lead to the other and back again in an endless cycle of repetition. Ride them out and all will be well.