Fuss & Focus

I don't exactly know why but for me, birthdays have always been tests of endurance - a matter of wondering how much attention I can stand before I snap or worse, run for my life.  I envy those friends who can be gracious and good natured when the spotlight shines on them but I'll never be one of them.  In many ways, we are what we learn - and I never learned how to easily accept people being nice to me.


I was ridiculously touched by the effort and thoughtfulness my friends put into this celebration - there was a cake and there were gifts and music, even a continuously running slide show of photographs that I'd taken.  All these people gave of their time and talent (not to mention hard earned money) to be part of it and thank you seemed so inadequate that it nearly made me cry.  And therein lies the conflict - how to withstand the focus and be grateful for it at the same time.


Most photographers would, I think, admit to a certain shy streak.  The lens is a shield, a kind of insulation, a device of distraction.  As long as it's between me and my subjects (friends included), I feel protected and not bound to pretend.  Without it, I feel vulnerable and defenseless and ordinary.  Given the choice between invisibility and being noticed, I'd opt for invisibility every time but with trusty Nikon in hand, I can take part, can step into things I would normally steer clear of.  


And so I cut the cake and opened the presents, consented to the fuss and focus, tried to remind myself that the dear people surrounding me were actually friends and not a smiling firing squad.  I said my thank you's and hugged them all, then hurried back to the safety and camouflage of my camera.


I was raised to believe certain things about myself.  They weren't true but I didn't know that and to this day there are circumstances that trigger a negative response, a return to the child who was so unworthy and so in the way.  The simple truth is that it's easier to believe the bad stuff, easier to remember the familiar old songs.  When it comes to self worth, I'm still a work in progress and although I may never be completed, I keep trying.  


It's slow work.


Hopes are shy birds flying at a great distance, seldom reached by the best of guns - John James Audubon