Success in a Three Piece Suit

All humor, I once read, is based on malice. Now there's a bitter thought.

My first husband was somewhat of an expert on this, knowing instinctively where to aim and how to hit the target dead on. He was always careful to disguise these little poison darts with a friendly slap on the back and much hearty laughter and his targets usually responded in kind, at least superficially. It was a stealthy kind of attack, cloaked in friendship and intimacy, born of insecurity and a need to be the center of attention. Sadly, since he was so accurate, he was rarely called to account and those he targeted tended to laugh right along with him, agreeing that it was all in good fun, no real harm intended.

I have wondered - endlessly and uselessly - if we had not returned to his home territory and his family, would he have been different, would he have remained kind, true to his feelings, or gentle. The boy I married was quick witted and funny and although he could be sharp tongued, he was rarely mean spirited. He was generous with his feelings and his time, determined to succeed despite his name and inheritance. He wanted to make it on his own and had left the South and traveled to a college in New England to find not just independence but anonymity, to shed the caste system that wealth had provided him with, to live on his own terms. The man he became was caustic and callous, easily re-integrating into his family and their expectations, accepting their kid gloved rules and embracing their lifestyle. His name opened doors and he went through without a backward glance, effortlessly reinventing his values and goals. The boy I married exchanged his tattered jeans and long hair for a three piece suit and a Porsche, swapped his ideals for small town prominence, and in the end, became all that he been against.
Worse, he expected me to make the same journey and the same transformation, to become an accessory rather than a partner. I watched this process with dismay, anger, and a sense of being left behind, feeling inadequate and unwilling to be made over into an acceptable - and by his new standards - presentable wife.

Success and a three piece suit without a social conscience leads to arrogance and arrogance leads to condescension which reinforces the feeling that it's acceptable and funny to attack others and disguise it as humor. A name does not a better person make, money does not buy class, an intact family is more than breeding and appearance and two people on different life paths cannot travel together for long.