Dregs

She searched and searched and finally found what she was looking for at the bottom of the barrel - an unemployed, abusive, hostile, adulterous and self serving man. And she latched on with a death grip, cleaning his house, taking care of his son, paying his rent and expenses, providing his food and being on call to share his bed. She didn't see that she was being used and couldn't comprehend her own misery. She took her case to all her friends in the vain hope that one of them would take her side and tell her to stick with him - when no one did, she retreated into a gloomy, nearly sullen silence. Mistaking co-dependence for love had cost her dearly - her identity was gone, her self esteem was in shreds,she had become helpless, confused, uncertain and desperate, trapped by her own emotions.

I watch this with sadness, frustration, a sense of futility and an uncomfortable familiarity. A part of me reaches out to her while another wants to slap her silly - I can't expect more from her than I was willing to do myself - but she's so young to be so wounded, so full of promise to be so beaten down. I see traces of myself, in too much pain to act for my own good, convinced that change was just another day away, immobilized at the very thought of breaking free and unwilling to give up the good and heroic fight. There's a twisted kind of satisfaction in martyring yourself for someone you think you love and it's far easier to maintain and feed than independence.

So she puts herself second, hoping her sacrifice and suffering will reach him, wake him up, make him change and be worthy, appreciative, willing to share and include her. What began as love or at least refuge, has turned to quicksand and now she talks of her life and future as empty, a long road with no end in sight, no rest stops, no exits. It's a hard outlook for twenty-one, and a mistaken one. Much as we all would like to help her, she must come to terms with this on her own, must spiral down until she hits the ground and is willing to accept a hand up. She has to find her own anger and her own spirit, has to see in herself what is so clear to the rest of us.

It's always easiest to be the one giving advice.