My Animals and I

All is darkness when the alarm on the small bedside table begins to chirp. Animals scramble awake and scatter for the kitchen and the back door, much like a fire drill. Hungry and anxious to start their day, they don't wait for me but take their places at their food dishes and begin to sing in unharmonious impatience. They have a routine, as do I, and dislike it being altered, as do I. In this and other things, we are much alike, my animals and I.

I did not set out to become caretaker to such a collection of cast offs but I'm easily taken advantage of when it comes to animals and always seem to have a houseful that no one else wants or can care for. I imagine a house without them and see a nightmare of quiet, of order, of peace. They share my bed and my food, they comfort me when needed and love unconditionally when in the mood. I stand between them and life on the streets or in a cold shelter and though at times I could cheerfully sweep them all into a pile and bury them in an unmarked grave, they are my legacy and my children and the reason I keep going. They will never provide for me in old age or sickness, will never help with chores or errands, never learn to pick up after themselves, at times I think they'll never even learn to get along with each other. With each one I lose, a part of my heart breaks, never to be mended, but life without them would be unbearable, this I know as surely as I know anything.

I don't remember ever making a conscious choice not to have children, it was just something I knew I didn't want from the beginning - the two men I married felt the same and it was never an issue. I always knew in my heart that I did not want to do to a child what had been done to me and it didn't occur to me that history wouldn't repeat itself. While I don't regret the decision in the slightest, I do sometimes find myself wondering how life would've been different with children. Then, I walk in the door to the chaos of this circus of cast off animals and breathe a sigh of relief. We don't get to choose our families unless we choose not to have them and in my case, I have all I can handle.