$20 and Change

The $20 had been stuffed into the pages of a textbook and there was a note. It read, "Several years ago I stole from this bookstore and now that I have my life back, I want to make amends." There was no signature. My young cashier looked at me, a puzzled expression on his face. "Why would someone do that?" he asked. "To clear his conscience,"I answered, " and to make something right."

Despite programs and rehabs and interventions, the sad truth is that the majority of addicts and alcoholics never recover. They die addicted and sick, abandoned and alone, in pain, confusion and denial. It was a bright moment to receive that $20 - it meant that someone had made it through to the other side, strong and well enough to make amends for a past transgression. It was a hopeful sign and a reminder to me to stay optimistic and positive. Giving up requires so little effort that it's easy to be seduced, easy to resign yourself to misery and martyrdom. It's almost comfortable to throw up your hands in defeat and live half-dead. Fighting back is harder. Addiction is like a chokehold on your emotions and spirit, it spares nothing and will not let go until it gets it's way. It offers a dark place to hide from yourself and loved ones and drink or drug your way into nothingness. You close your eyes, give in, and the pain goes away. Reality, when you come back to it, can be fought off with another drink or another pill and the cycle can go on for as long as you live.

The $20 was new and crisp and to me it meant that someone had let reality and light in. It meant hope.