What Would Michael Do

Never let it be said that my friend Michael hasn't taught me a thing or three about the art of the threat.

The internet was out again when I got home and At&t had an automated message in place so they didn't have to listen to their irate customers. I was annoyed but outages are painfully common and it's not always shoddy equipment or incompetence so I decided not to make a federal case of it. It took ten hours to repair and I was back on line by midnight but the very next morning, my wireless network mysteriously disappeared and with it, my internet access. Determined not to lose my temper this time, I put in the call. I had a suspicion that conserving my energy from the day before might come in handy.

For a full half hour I went through the standard script and repeated all the standard quick fixes that had already failed. I was speaking English but wasn't sure what language I was hearing, being only able to pick out a few words here and there, still I persisted until we got to the inevitable point where I was told I'd need a technician. Their first available appointment was Monday. Could I be at home between 8 and 12?

A 10 hour outage just the day before and now I'm told it'll be two days before it can be repaired? I didn't think so and firmly but calmly said as much but all it got me was a shrug I could practically hear and a lukewarm apology. What would Michael do, I asked myself and the answer came with blinding clarity - he would lie, bluff, threaten and not give an inch.

“Let me explain this as clearly and succinctly as I possibly can,” I said, feeling poisoned by own pleasant-ness, “Comcast can be here in a heartbeat and they'll be delighted to have everything changed over by the end of the day. While they're doing that, I'll be organizing my Uverse file,

every missed appointment, every bait and switch promise of fibre optics, every guarantee of blazing speed and every outage. I'll deliver it personally to the Public Service Commission by close of business. So, unless I see an At&t technician here today, there won't be any At&t service on Monday. Do you have any questions?”

Apparently he didn't because although it killed me to swallow that much rage, it got me my internet back that very day.

We are stuck with technology when all we really want is just stuff that works ~ Douglas Adams