Fine As Wine

Despite the fact that many of my dearest friends were born of and raised by supportive and loving mothers, some - like me - were not and it's them I think of on Mothers Day. It's a holiday I haven't celebrated or honored since childhood when I had no choice.

We had to put out names on the gifts my daddy provided - he knew well the consequences of not stepping up with tributes - and there was usually dinner out at some expensive restaurant where she could hold court and we could play the roles of an intact and adoring family. It was three parts theater and one part self-defense with the dialogue written and carefully rehearsed in advance. In those days, none of us dared deviate from the script. We dressed up, behaved respectably and quietly, didn't fidget or put our elbows on the table. We ate what was put in front of us, said please and thank you without being prompted and counted the minutes. If there was anything I learned as a child, it was how to give a credible performance in public.

My mother, already well oiled by the time we arrived at the restaurant, would have several manhattans and an after dinner brandy. My grandmother was still alive then and I watched her watching and counting those drinks, keeping track but keeping silent. She knew, as did we all, that after a certain point, any suggestion of moderation was more than likely to ignite an ugly scene. My daddy did what he did best, drinking his watered down Chivas while steadying my mother as needed and pretending that everything was - you'll excuse the expression - fine as wine.

By dessert, conversation was dead and the atmosphere grim. My daddy produced his American Express card and signed his name. Nana thanked him for inviting her, gave her only child a disgusted, dark look and left. My mother, lopsided and nodding, finished her brandy and shook off any assistance when my daddy tried to help her into her coat and steer her discreetly out. Humiliated and sure that everyone was watching, we trailed after them. I remember feeeling profoundly grateful to be among strangers.