From the Pit

News that my friend Kirk has landed in charity hospital with a heart attack reaches me late Friday afternoon.  My emotions are as jumbled as a junk drawer - I'm torn between relief that he's in a safe place where he'll get the care he needs, hope that those he's hurt so badly will forgive and show support, optimism that this might be a wake up call, and of course sadness that it had to happen at all.  The thing that's missing is surprise.  He's been deeply troubled and in a self destructive downward spiral for several months, severely depressed and angry, viciously and hurtfully lashing out at anyone who suggests he stop blaming others for his mostly self inflicted misfortunes.  Fate, it would seem, has struck back.  Karma has stopped him in his tracks and while there is certainly no joy in this, I find myself hoping that some self awareness and good might come from it.

Sadly, the absolute bottom of the barrel is not the same for addicts.  For most of us, a heart attack would get our attention, force us to take a second look at our lives and consider making some changes.  For most of us, losing everything that mattered would provoke, at the very least, an inward - if passing - glance.  But for addicts, there is always the comfortable pit of denial to fall back into.  Someone or something else is always to blame for even the most horrifying and near death circumstances.  Kirk will recover from this brutal assault on his heart and be released but will he change course?  Or simply add this to the long list of crimes against him? I don't know but based on experience and his prior behavior, I'm not optimistic.   

Here's the thing:  Just not drinking isn't the same thing as getting well.  And a lie of omission is still a lie even if you only tell it to yourself. 

An addict will use any means to maintain his safety net - tears, promises, threats of self harm, despair, loss of temper followed by the most sincere and heartfelt apologies.  He'll play on guilt and emotions to distract you, use love to sidestep any issue, try to scare, intimidate and manipulate you.   Challenge him and he'll get furious, accuse you of persecution and abandonment and lack of trust.  Push him and he'll make it your fault.
Tragically, a heart attack makes for some pretty strong ammunition.

Still, there's life and where there's life, there's hope, I tell myself.  

I'm not in hell, he wrote in our last conversation, But I can see it from my window.

Then change windows, I wrote back, Find another view.

Easy for you to say, he snapped back.

No. No, it isn't.