Among Friends

When faced with being the center of attention, I have two rules - the first is to run.  The second is to run faster.  Giving in gracefully is not something I do well and so it was that I found myself on the way to a gathering of musicians giving their time and money to support me and say a very public thank you for my photography.  Since it was organized in my honor, I couldn't very well skip it - and I needed the money - but I couldn't shake the unsettling feeling that there would be nowhere to hide except behind my camera lens. I hesitated at the doorway, suddenly and alarmingly aware that it wasn't much of a shield and wishing urgently for a partner to run interference.  I was still working up my nerve when the door was thrown open, someone called my name, and deserving or not - ready or not - I was suddenly among friends.  It was too late to run. I muttered a small prayer of thanks for my old Nikon, manufactured a hasty smile and forced my feet to move.

I'm never sure how many people understand just how exactly shy I am, but my friend Charli is one of them.  Despite the fact that these people had come together to celebrate my work, she was careful that attention was only secondarily focused on me - she made sure that the music got the spotlight and when I had no choice but to talk to someone, it was one on one, the only thing I do passably well.  My camera and I were left free to listen and photograph, to be as invisible as possible and it made the afternoon if not joyful, at least some place I was glad and grateful to be.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't hide-in-a-corner bashful, not even as a child.  Crowds suffocate me, parties are to be avoided at all costs, small talk paralyzes me.  Were it not for my love of music and photography, I can easily imagine never leaving my little house except to go to and from work - some of my best nights are spent in the company of cats and dogs, not people - and yet I covet my extrovert friends and their easy, careless chatter.  They are so comfortable, so confident, so un-selfconscious and at home -I can't help but wonder where they learned.

It ought to be less of a struggle among friends, I think to myself as the afternoon wears on and all the familiar and smiling faces come and go.  Hugs and kisses and warm wishes are plentiful and I sense that I will very pleased with my day's work of photographs.   It's always a good thing to survive people being nice to you.