Snippets

Nothing much surprises me about health insurance anymore - these companies, whether public or private have only one job - to withhold as much money as possible for as long as possible using any means possible.  They sidestep the morality, ethics, and consequences of their actions without the slightest effort and get quietly rich while the rest of the country goes bankrupt and people die every day.  Healthcare, much like the banking industry and the majority of politicians, is corrupt, disfunctional, greedy and compassionless.  The people who run it are dedicated to simple principles - keep it inaccessible, convoluted, time consuming and frustrating to the point of tears - hoping that patients, doctors, and health services professionals will eventually give up.

In this war, one of their main weapons is the automated system.  Every insurance company has one and to save a buck or two, most were purchased second hand from third world countries who have yet to discover fire.  The hardware is shoddy and unreliable at best, utterly useless at worst.  Again, to save a buck or two, the software is just slightly more sophisticated than two soup cans with a string between them and the programming - quite intentionally and discreetly done by people without the first encounter with English - is designed to discourage its users, to make navigating the system a nightmare, to fail and fail spectacularly. And should you reach an actual person, it gets even worse.

Snippet:

Thank you for calling Medicare.  Please say Part A or Part B.
Part B.
Silence extending several seconds.
I think you said Part A.  Is that right?
No. Part B.
More silence extending several more seconds.
If you are calling about Part A, please press one.
No, Part B.
Are you calling about eligibility?  Please say the name of the state you are calling about.
Louisiana.
I think you said New Mexico.  Is that right?
Louisiana!  LOUISIANA!
Are you calling about Part A or Part B?

Snippet:
Thank you for calling Humana (or United Health, your choice because it really doesn't matter), my name is
(insert anything long and unpronounceable, again, unless you happen to be fluent in Pakistani or Urdu, it really doesn't matter), How may I assist you?
I need to verify benefits for a specialist office visit.
Certainly, I will be happy to assist you with that.  Will this take place in a specialist's office?

Snippet:
Thank you for calling United Health Care.  May I know your name, please.
Esmeralda.
Thank you for that, Esmeralda.  How are doing this day?
Not all that well, my dog died.
That's good to hear, Esmeralda.  How may I assist you?

Snippet:
Thank you for calling Humana.  My name is (see above) but you may call me Chet.

Snippet:
Thank you for calling United Health Care.  May I know your name, please?
My name is B.
Thank you for that.  Is that B-e-e?
No, just the letter B.
Thank you for that, how do you spell your name?
The letter B.
Thank you for that.  The letter B?  Just the letter B?
PAY ATTENTION!  JUST THE LETTER B!
Thank you for that.  May I place you on hold?

Snippet:
I need to know the benefit for surgery done in the doctor's office.
Certainly, I will be happy to assist you with that.  Where will the surgery be done?

These are not made up, not exaggerated, not for effect.  Insurance companies like cheap labor and don't care how far they have to go to get it or what the cost may be to anyone else.  It makes me ashamed that we allow this and enraged that we reward it.  

Snippet:
We no longer verify benefits if the information is available on our website.
Since I don't have access to the website, perhaps you could make an exception.
No, but I can tell you that the coverage was terminated in 2006.
The last claim you paid was in November of 2012.  How would you explain that?
If you could give me a claim number, I'll be happy to tell you.
We no longer provide claim numbers when the information is available through your claims department. Thanks anyway.