Spirit Chasing

Spirits flit around like shadows in the almost dark, always just at the edges of awareness and keeping out of sight.  They're shy creatures, made of memories and knowing that they can be dispelled by the light of reality.  Still, every now and again, I think I see one - as if in a dream, they drift past me then dart back into the half light.  Some I would like to chase and capture, most I would prefer to chase down and beat senseless.  When they speak, it's in whispers so no one but me will hear.  They nag and gnaw at me like a dog worrying a bone, trying to drown out the positive energy with doubt and fearfulness, with plain old uncertainty.  They lie with absolute conviction.


I diminish them with faith, with optimism, and with accomplishment and they back off grudgingly.  But in the way of spirits, they retreat only to wait and watch for the next opportunity.  


Things change, I tell them, I am not the child you knew back then and you don't frighten me.  I give you no power over me.


It was not always so easy but thanks to good friends, good examples, a 12 step program and a lot of having no other choices, I learned to fight back.  The spirits still rage at times, raising the specters of resentment and anger.  They whisper in my ear and tempt me when I'm vulnerable, taunting me with self doubt and promises of revenge.  They do their best to keep me from trying with nasty warnings of failure and shame.  They still win the occasional battle but on the whole, I can chase them off.  One battle, I remind myself, doesn't lose the war.


I suppose we all have these spirits and demons at our heels but when we turn and confront them, despite their sulking and spitting, they eventually slink away.  


We make them - we can unmake them
We give them power - we can take it away.
We live with them - we can live without them.


The past is a ghost, the future a dream and all we really have is now ~ Bill Cosby