It's the better part of human nature to want to help someone we care about, especially if they're in trouble - we're all, I suspect, fixers at heart - wanting to make things better, make dark days easier and lighter, ease a burden or take away a heartache. We don't like to see friends hurting, worse, we don't like admitting that there's nothing we can do. We park the white horse at the rail, dismount and prepare to take up the challenge of repairing whatever's broken, rarely thinking that maybe all we can or need to do is listen. Not every hardship is a cry for help and not every victim is looking for a white knight or a handout - sometimes all you need to know is you're not alone - such times are for listening and listening again, then listening some more. It's not as ineffective as we might think but it's also not as easy as it sounds.
Most folks I know, myself included, do not idly wait well - we are generally designed to act rather than observe and often see patience as passivity. Cures don't come overnight, no matter how needed or deserved. When I first joined Al Anon, I thought it was remarkable that no one comforted the mostly women members when they told their stories in faltering, uncertain voices, or when they broke down and cried. No one went to their side or offered more than a kleenex - the old members knew better than to tell them it would be alright or that it would pass -
sometimes it wouldn't be and sometimes it doesn't. Initially I took this for coldness, not grasping that listening is an act in itself, that there are times when it's all we have to offer.
When I'm tempted to counsel or give advice, I try and remember those meetings and how it felt to have people do no more than listen. Our choices are our own - we live with the outcomes or we don't, but either way it has to be our decision. If we listen long enough, the words may echo back and when we hear ourselves as others hear us, we may just find a way through.
A doctor can prescribe.
A therapist can guide.
A priest can absolve.
A friend listens without objecting.
1 comment:
This lesson has taken me so long to learn. It's hard to listen with your heart and not jump into action or flinch, but I truly believe it is the best gift we can give to one another.
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