Workplace Weary

The temptation to call in sick is powerful - tempered by my fear of not being able to pull it off and the unraveling thought of being out of work. It has, I freely admit, nothing to do with honesty, not anymore.

I'm weary of crossroads, those points where I am called upon to make a life changing decision and live with the consequences. I'm worn out with the toxicity of the workplace, the accusations and threats, the long suffering sighs and displays of temper and especially the How many times do I have to tell you tone of voice that has become part of the daily routine. I am workplace weary but trapped in a harsh and unforgiving economic world - I don't know how to repair jet engines, mix drinks, or oversee off shore drilling and I don't imagine I could make a success of selling used cars or managing a fried chicken outlet. Odd, what abilities and expertise are called for the in the current market, odd what employers seem to value nowadays. I spend an hour or so each day in search of new employment but it's a discouraging process, repetitive, frustrating and fruitless.

When I examine my feelings in the most honest light possible, I realize that this is a reaction to the past, to a time when I was powerless against the forces of raised voices and parenthood, when I first understood that we don't always find fairness in the world. This is ground I have covered and recovered through writing, through therapy, through 12 step programs and dark nights of self forgiveness and remembering that I am an adult now and no longer a child with a target painted on her back. And yet, I do not suffer this well - mornings find me searching for a reason to call in sick or inadequate or simply not up to it. Eight hours a day on eggshells has me edgy and apprehensive.

The child in me still flinches at a raised voice, at being a disappointment, at being held hostage to a job in a hostile environment, of failing to do my best. It's not rational, I know, but it is real.