Hard Landings

Old habits are always just one drink away and a fall off the wagon usually means a hard landing for all involved.

Hearing of a longtime friend's recent stumble after more than twelve years of sobriety, program, and hard work, I was heartbroken and badly shocked. Even know I know that rock solid is no more than an illusion maintained on a day to day basis, there are people who embrace help with open arms, who change their lives and commit to helping others. When such a person crashes, it affects everyone who knows him. He has abandoned his family, put his music behind him, shunned those who love him, and returned to a life of grim and tragic consequences, setting aside the last twelve years as easily as pushing away a dinner plate. It happens every day, I remind myself, there is no good or bad to be found, no reason to be uncovered, no crisis to great to be faced. Blue skies and sunshine greet you yet the need to drink, a compulsion too powerful to ignore suddenly becomes a brutal and overwhelming force. All it takes is one.

The hardest thing about understanding the insanity of drug addiction is everything - we look for logic where there is none, we want cause and effect and some reason for the abuse, the name calling, the broken promises and apologies. We want to know why someone would choose self destruction, why when there is no money to pay bills there is always enough money for a drink. We ache to comprehend why reason and well ordered arguments and threats don't work with drunks and drug addicts, why we are not enough. We understand symptoms of illness until they are expressed in behavior - then we curse lack of will power. In the very midst of madness, we search for answers that don't exist and refuse to give up the fight, making our own selves sick in the process.

And so I add another name to my prayers and hope that he will find his way back to recovery, sanity, music and those that love him.