A Theory of Mind

Poverty, my daddy was fond of saying, builds character and adversity teaches us to cope. There's no shame in debt as long as you're working on it. As one who worked his whole life to overcome all three, I thought there might be something to this philosophy but I've discovered a more profound truth - youth handles it better.

I think this has to do more with time than chronology. When it stretches out endlessly in front of you, when the future is all there is, when you operate within the illusion of immortality, there is limitless time to succeed and decide which roads to take. You can live on beans and rice as long as you have love, comfortable knowing that this is just the first of many steps. Youth has the advantage of energy and bright eyed optimism, small needs and positive thinking - it can make the weekly trek to the laundromat an adventure rather than a chore, it can turn a slum into a bohemian refuge. It wakes to sunny days no matter the weather and hops on and off public transportation with ease, wasting no worry on possessions or a checkbook balance. Youth panhandles with pride and treasures a carefree life - no ties unless of their own choosing, no house notes or dry cleaning bills, no nine to five restrictions, no fear. Every day is a turnaround day when you're twenty and all of life is a rosy diversion.

I've often thought of what it might be like to re-experience those days, to place my beloved animals in secure and safe homes, to sell my car and everything I own and hit the road with only a camera, a change of clothes and an untroubled mind. I find myself in a knot of conflict - restless but weary, anxious but philosophical, angry but at peace, done but hardly begun. Responsibilities, debt, and the irrevocability of being a grown up are burdens I long to put down. Hitch hiking - a mountain in summer and a stretch of beach in winter - doesn't seem as dangerous as I once thought.

My reality is that you can't outrun your life at twenty or sixty or at any point in between. It's a workaday world even when you think it isn't and I'm too old to run away from home again.....at least for today.