I suspect that one more lesson in overcoming adversity will break me. I can feel a growing urge in my soul to scream ENOUGH! but there is no one to scream at - this is just how life goes sometimes. I know this but still feel that one more crisis will drive me over the edge and into the looking glass. Like Alice, I have had several long discussions with myself over this nightmare of a weekend. I have pointed out the flaws in my thinking and given myself some excellent advice - counted to ten and recited the Serenity Prayer - tried to find a less dark side and assured myself that I am not the target of a hostile and humorless god. So far, the results are mixed - I've taken a few steps backward and away from the edge but the looking glass still beckons.
There is a voice I sometimes hear that whispers life is supposed to be better now and the struggle is supposed to be over. I've paid my dues, worked my entire life, put in my time. It's depressing to think that the good times, the easy times, have already been and I didn't know it. All the more reason to stay in the day, I argue back but the voice just laughs. Self pity and worry are for others, I snap and the voice replies But look at you now. This is the voice of resentment and anger, fear and debt, weariness and defeat. I won't listen, I tell it with false conviction, I won't hear this.
But I do hear it. It weighs me down, pulling and dragging harder and harder every hour.
It's the voice of What If......What if I get sick, what if they can't fix the car, what if I lose my job, what if the IRS won't listen, what if this is all there is. So many what if's and time's running out.
I tend the animals, shower and put on my scrubs, my makeup, my happy face. The voice hesitates then falters and fades. It may only be quiet for a little while but I will drown it out an hour at a time, at least for today. It's only a voice, and it could very well be wrong.
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