Single Life

So, my friend Michael asked me, Do you think you'll ever get married again?

The absence of a man in my life does not trouble me as it once did. Perhaps it's age and wisdom combined with resignation and two marriages that ended badly, perhaps it's my having gotten comfortable with living alone, maybe it's pure selfishness but no, I can't imagine getting married again. I enjoy my solititude, I treasure having my home to myself, I appreciate my independence and freedom to come and go on my own terms. The difference between alone and lonely is clearly defined in my mind. My life is filled with music and pictures, caring for my animals, work.

I was first married at twenty-three, slightly old for the times, and I've come to realize that although I loved him, I was equally attracted to the promises of security, of being half of a couple, of marrying into money, of adventure, and of escaping my family. After ten years, I found myself restless though not precisely unhappy - well cared for but not truly loved - resentful but not exactly angry. I met another man, one who was poor and drank too much and the chemistry between us was instantaneous. With an amiable divorce, I shed my marriage and embraced the impossible and familiar territory of living with an alcoholic.

At thirty- three, I remarried and took the first steps onto a road of despair, conflict, chaos and inevitable abuse. It felt like going home but in actuality, it was like being lost in dark woods with only an infrequent patch of sunlight to be guided by. Yet I followed the sunlight to the edge of the woods and after thirteen years, found the
path out. I was changed by the journey - bitter, angry, reclusive, and filled with a grim determination never to be vulnerable again.

All along the road, I have been coming to a place where I am alone and content, free from the vindictive upheaval and emotional wearing down of trying to be someone I am not, of trying to make things right. There are things that despite our best efforts, will never be right. For better or worse, richer or poorer, we can only be who we are.
Single life has its share of good and bad but at least its rewards and consequences are mine alone.