Empty Spaces

I've had several days to get used to the idea of Blue's death and the unfeeling reality that life goes on. I've been thinking that the empty spaces we're left with after a loss must serve a purpose. Reminders, maybe, raw places where memories are kept alive.

There has been an outpouring of love for her, a veritable avalanche of condolences, the likes of which I've never seen in this city. People that she knew well, people she touched only lightly or in passing, musicians she helped along the way, dog lovers, folks who knew her in the most superficial of ways but recognized her spirit, even strangers who didn't know her at all but who are touched by the loss of those who did. All reaching out to offer comfort, to share a story or a song, a memory or just a kind word. I see her love and kindness, her generosity and her struggle reflected over and over again. She gave of herself even when she was empty.

A great many of these condolences were based in faith but some bordered on evangelical rapture. These troubled me. Blue wasn't perfect and while I'm absolutely, unshakeably convinced that she died on good terms with God, I'm selfish enough to wish her here rather than there. Her death took away her pain and suffering but it was no damn blessing and I found myself wanting to rail at those who wished her a glorious journey, as if dying were just a whistle stop on a long train ride. She isn't dead yet! I wanted to scream. If you think a soul is worth more than a life, then change places with her and you go!

I wanted to scream but, of course, I didn't. There was no point in stirring up these earth bound soul savers. They meant well, at least I hoped they did, and Blue wouldn't have liked a fuss so I held my tongue and didn't even publicly disagree. Other people's flowery, iron clad faith is not my concern, I told myself, and there's more than one road to salvation. For all their Steeped in the Cross and Blood of the Lamb rhetoric, we all still travel alone. If there's a heaven, I'm willing to concede it's a different place, just not necessarily a better one. And, I have to think, you get there by grace not Bible thumping zealotry or religious mania.

The one Bible verse that did capture my attention and has stayed with me was one that Blue's granddaughter posted.  I think if anything sums up my dear friend, this would be it.  We were so blessed to have her.  We miss you, sweet girl.  Rest in peace.

I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith.

2^nd Timothy, 4:7