Something You Tell Yourself

My grandfather - a blustery, domineering and quick tempered beast of a man who scared the wits out of me more often than not – was roaring. The toast was burned, the dogs were underfoot, the coffee was cold and the kids were loud.

ALICE! I heard him bellow like a bull moose, ALICE! CAN'T A MAN EAT IN PEACE?

Nana hurriedly chased the dogs outside and scuttled to salvage the toast and bring fresh coffee.

Ain't no need to shout or throw a tantrum, CB, she told him mildly, Sit back down and calm yourself.

Damnable house is like a circus! he snapped, Dogs and kids everywhere and not a goddam decent meal to be had! And my goddam good for nothing daughter still asleep! They're her dogs and her kids and I'm paying for it!  Ought to send all their asses packing!

Settle down, CB, she advised him cooly, remember your blood pressure. Ain't nothin' gon' be fixed by you yellin' yourself silly over burned toast.

It was good advice but unfortunately not my grandfather's stock in trade. He was a man who favored top-of-your-voice tirades, usually laced with obscenities or profanities. I wasn't sure I knew the difference - the point was that he was loud and often abusive – and he got his way by threats and bullying and the occasional back of his hand. No one but my grandmother seemed able to handle him and when he got liquored up, which was frequently and thoroughly, even she washed her hands of him, relying on my daddy to come and drag his sodden body home and to bed. My mother, I used to reflect, at least came by her own alcoholism honestly.

I was helping Nana wash the breakfast dishes when my grandfather finished. He lit a Camel and announced he was going to take a walk, giving me a healthy slap on my backside as he passed through the kitchen. I nearly jumped out of my skin but he just laughed, gave me a laviscious wink and slammed the screen door so hard it made my grandmother wince.

Never mind, she told me quietly although I noticed that she didn't meet my eyes when she said it, He don't mean anythin'. His bark is jist worse'n his bite.

I didn't think so and deep down, I didn't think that she did either.  It was just something you tell yourself.