A Sorry State of Affairs

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats ~ H.L. Mencken

It goes something like this:

Without any warning or any apparent cause, the cable goes off and the screen displays the error message I now know by heart, that they have detected an interruption in my service and advise me to check the connections - as if - and to contact Comcast if the problem persists.  There is, of course, no way to know whether it will be three minutes, three hours, or three days and not wanting to take on the crushing arrogance and ineptitude of the cable company, I generally hold off until I’m sure it’s going to be a prolonged problem.  I am  roadrunner quick to anger and snail slow to letting it out but my cable service is deplorable and shameful and I know there’s no way I will not lose my temper.  Even so, I promise myself this time it will be different.

After a 20 to 30 minute wait for what is satirically called customer service - when you are the sorriest ass cable company in the country, you do tend to rack up the complaints and keep your people occupied – I finally reach a representative who immediately reaches for his script, assures me how sorry he is, promises that he completely understands my frustration, is determined to resolve my issue and is dedicated to providing me with “5 Star Service”.  (No, wait, that last part is Uverse.)  After another 20 minutes or so, he admits that he can’t resolve a damn thing, no surprise there, but that he will be delighted to schedule a technician visit.  I tell him that I don’t need a technician and ask that he check for an outage.  I explain that this happens several times a month – oh, the irony of knowing more about cable service that the cable employees – and request that he check my service records.  He immediately tells me he can’t access that information and after several more futile minutes of back and forth, I ask to speak to a supervisor.  This apparently hurts his feelings and he asks why.  I tell him because he’s a dumb son of a bitch, that I want someone who speaks English, is willing to listen, and who can give me one simple reason why I shouldn’t rip out every piece of godforsaken Comcast equipment, throw it in my car, and drive through their goddamn lobby.  This gets me a supervisor.  She tells me indeed there is an outage, that the estimated repair is 10 pm and that while I don’t need a technician – she can’t imagine what ol’ Akmar/Bubba was thinking to suggest it – with my history, she does recommend a service call to make sure that there isn’t some undiagnosed cable issue.  She can have someone there between 8 and 10 Sunday morning, if I’m okay with that and naturally, there will be no charge.

This is where I’m supposed to be so grateful for her help that I overlook ol’ Akmar/Bubba, the last 12 years of atrocious service, and the odds that no matter what she promises, you’ll be able to knock me over with a feather if some mystery technician actually shows up.  Instead, I tell her Sunday between 8 and 10 will be fine and maybe somebody ought to up the Comcast training game.  She agrees – they always do – and I hang up before she can tell me Thank you for choosing Comcast and I before I can tell her I wouldn’t choose Comcast if they were paying me.

No one shows on Sunday.  When I call to ask why, I’m told the appointment was cancelled but they can’t tell me who cancelled it or why or when.  They offer to reschedule and I tell them after they give me the infamous $20 credit for missed appointments, they can add credit for the 16 hours the service was out, and then drop dead.

After this, so I tell myself, upgrading my internet to fibre optics should be a breeze.  It isn’t.

It seems that the telephone thinks I owe $215.23 from a cell phone I had some 10 years ago.  I explain that the account was settled in February and the collection company had assured me it was paid in full.  They’re very sorry but their records show the current debt and they can’t change the service until it’s resolved.  I tell them I will talk with the collection company and get back to them.

The collection company tells me there’s no outstanding amount, that it was settled in February.  I ask why the telephone company doesn’t know that and I can almost hear the bored Not our problem shrug.  Coming on the heels of the most recent cable debacle, I’m in no mood to listen to their lies or debate another Akbar/Bubba and demand to speak to a supervisor.  In due time, when they finally understand that I’m not going to give up and go away, they tell me that it appears the unpaid bill was actually put on the credit report twice.  When I push a little harder, they also admit that the payment was misposted, their error entirely and they will correct it at once.

A week later when I call the telephone company again, I get as far as the credit check and no further.  They still want their $215.23.

I call the collection agency back and ask them to define at once.  They're hostile and defensive and go to great lengths to assure me that they've done their part, the account is cleared, the telephone company has been updated.

So the telephone company is lying to me? I snap, Seems unlikely.

They offer to email a settlement letter stating that the bill has been paid in full.  I agree and ask how long before I have it.  They say 24 hours at the most.

Two days later, I call and ask them to define 24 hours.  They assure me the email was sent and I suggest they research the phrase Tits on a boar hog , useless as and demand to speak to yet another supervisor.

They’re mystified.  I’m on the brink of losing it.  I ask them where they sent the email.  Turns out the first word of my email address -barbara  - which I had painstakingly spelled four times, was more than Akbar/Bubba could manage and when the email was non-deliverable, they weren’t interested, responsible, or even curious enough to wonder why.  They offer to send it again, promising I’ll have it first thing in the morning.  No, I tell them, you’ll send it now and I’ll wait.

My third call to the telephone company ends with a conference call between me, them, and the by now despised collection agency.  It takes the better part of an hour and a half but they finally admit that they’ve had the payment for 7 months. I am vindicated.  Appalled by their practices and rabid incapability but vindicated.  When the supervisor offers me – and the telephone company – a half-assed apology, I turn it down but can’t resist asking if they get their employees from Comcast rejects or is it the other way around.  The telephone company rep tries valiantly to muffle her laughter but a little slips through and it takes her a few seconds to regain her professionalism.

It’s a sorry state of affairs, this old world, but it’s not a bad week’s work when you overcome the cable company, the telephone company, and a collection agency. 

H. L. Mencken knew what he was talking about. Until next time.