A musician friend of mine and a photography friend of mine are at each other's throats and while their approaches differ - one is vocal, non-forgiving, and brazenly belligerent, the other is wounded, tactful and sadly resigned - both share a stubbornness that just won't quit. They accuse each other of everything from copyright infringement to non-professionalism to smart-assery and each are not-so-discreetly trying to recruit for their side. Both have written the other off with a sort of war-like, non aggression pact finality that makes me sad and amused at the same time and what's hard for me is that there's right and wrong on each side and as is so typical when pride and hurt feelings are on the line, the real issues are lost in the fray. It seems inevitable that what ought to be a private dispute will spill publicly and drag others in, possibly even dividing the close knit community of artists and musicians and doing far more harm than good. What foolish creatures we can be when we're angry. What pitiful creatures we can be when we don't get the credit we think we deserve. And what obstinate creatures we can be when it comes to being right, digging in like mules and refusing to see any point of view but our own.
Being - as I freely admit - highly susceptible and overly sensitive to having wrongful accusations made against me, I understand the obsession to clear your name and be proven right. My most difficult moments come as I tell myself, Let it go, it doesn't matter. But the need for vindication almost always prevails and usually makes me miserable in the process. So even while I tell both my friends to get over it and make it right between them, my heart is only half in it. The other half would like to bang both their heads together.
People we've cared about can be our direst enemies if we feel wronged. And while I hope that this will all be resolved and put to rest, I can't help but think of an old JFK quote ~ Forgive your enemies but never forget their names.
I have a bad feeling that the war is on and there will be no winners.
Several days later, in a flood of hurtful social media posts, it does spill over. Interestingly enough, it's the wounded one who makes all the noise and gathers all the sympathy, playing the injured party in softly passive tones by writing at length about the illusion of friendship. She comes off looking used, abused, even worthy and it strikes me that as she makes her case with bitter accusations to anyone who will listen and applaud, that she's doing exactly what she's accusing her former friend of. The vocal one has not one word to say, not in condemnation and not in her own defense, and I feel my loyalty slipping slightly sideways in her direction if for no other reason than her silence and refusal to play the game. I have no doubt that others will similarly slide toward one or the other, friendships will be once again tested, harsh words will be exchanged and new circles of friends will be established. Until the next time, the next disagreement, the next set of bruised feelings, the next misunderstanding.
Looking back, I think I should've banged their heads together when I had the chance.
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