Shots Fired: A Tale of the Tax Man

Feeling like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, I read the tax assessment from the Department of Revenue once, twice, three times.  They weren't saying my 2009 tax return had been faulty or ill prepared, I finally realized, they were accusing me of tax evasion.  For a brief moment, my world went into soft focus and I thought I might swoon (nobody uses that word anymore and it's something of a pity) right onto the kitchen floor.  Reading it for the fourth time I was able to discern the actual figures - I'd reported an income of $23,000 and they were charging me with having earned $50,000.

In my world, a $50,000 income year would've made headlines.  I'd have treasured it, remembered it, treated it gently, dreamed about it.  

DO NOT IGNORE THIS NOTICE! it read at the bottom.

With the fifth reading, I was overcome by a tsunami of righteous indignation and anger.  How dare some backwoods, redneck, illiterate state sponsored official make such a false accusation against me?  Who the hell did they think they were?   In a desperate and not well thought out fury, I dialed the quaintly called "help" number on the form and navigated my way through twenty minutes of voice mail, my rage increasing with each prompt.  By the time I reached an actual person, I was feeling murderous and when I was told they were under no legal obligation to explain their accusation or provide the documentation to justify it - that in fact I should just take their word and pay the fine, a mere $1600 - I exploded, casting aspersions on their parentage and suggesting a number of impossible anatomical procedures they might try.  It didn't win me any friends and tragically, I suspected they'd heard it all before but tax evasion being no small thing, I couldn't bring myself to regret it.

My next stop was the local and well known tax preparation office, where I learned that the offensive and totally inaccurate assessment notice was only one of 2,000 that had been mailed that very week.  They recommended that I locate a copy of my tax return in order to appeal (I could contact the feds in the event that I required a duplicate because the state didn't provide such a service) and they assured me they would be more than happy to help.  I pointed out that all a copy of my return would show was that I'd reported an income of $23,000, a fact that the state and the feds already knew - witness the assessment notice - and would do nothing toward disproving their $50,000 claim.  

If they're not required to prove that I made $50,00, then how do I prove I didn't?  I asked, reasonably enough so I thought, but all this got me was a slightly bewildered look and a shrug.  Not much help here, I realized and began to consider the possibility that they were all in it together.  It was time to move on.

Voice mail at the local IRS number informed me that "telephone support and assistance are not offered at this office" and the recorded message advised me that for taxpayer assistance I could call another number in Baton Rouge.

The Baton Rouge office - perhaps deluged by the number of calls the state's assessment notices had generated or perhaps not wanting to offend taxpayers with another half hour of voice mail instructions - opted for the easy way out and simply chose not to answer.

The following night, just as I was trying to remember who had said I have not yet begun to fight! (I was pretty sure it'd been John Paul Jones from the bridge of a shattered and sinking ship but sometimes I confuse him with Patrick Henry's Give me liberty or give me death!), I learned of the Department of Revenue's apology email:

LDR Issues Response to Assessment Errors

Thursday, July 18, 2013   (0 Comments) 

LDR Issues Response to Assessment Errors

The Louisiana Department of Revenue (LDR) issued the following official response relative to an assessment error on 2009 returns that was initially covered in our Tax Alert of July 15, 2013.

"The Louisiana Department of Revenue (LDR) is working to resolve issues involving 2009 tax notices that were sent to some Louisiana taxpayers. Approximately 2,000 incorrect assessments were made regarding Schedule H and Schedule E data. No action will be taken on any account that is deemed to be in error. All affected taxpayers will receive a written notice clearing their account once a determination of error is made or a liability is reversed.

Any member of the tax practitioner community may provide LDR with all affected account numbers for a reassessment regarding the issues aforementioned.

Please direct all inquiries to David.Stokes@la.gov. We apologize for any inconvenience and regret the error.”

So they "regret the error" and admit the notices were "incorrect" but they stand by them anyway and I'm required to challenge their findings in order to have a "reverse of liability".  In other words, as my mother used to tell me and my brother, You lie and he swears to it.   Or, maybe more precisely,  I know you didn't steal the money and I shouldn't have said you did but you still gotta go to court.

How generous.  How magnanimous.  I'm wrongly accused and they admit it and then graciously give me the opportunity to defend myself.  How laughable.  How just plain wrong.

In the film "Signs", Joaquin Phoenix plays a former baseball player who holds a number of minor league records, mostly good - and one bad - for the most strike outs.  When he's asked about the latter, he looks pensive, a little resigned and almost to himself he quietly says, It felt wrong not to swing.

So when they come after you - whoever they may be - straighten up and swing away.