Too Many Broken Birds

I've tried to mend too many broken birds, a friend writes to me of a relationship, I'm being careful.


The phrase resonated with me immediately - I survived my rescuing broken birds stage but every now and then some wounded sparrow catches my eye and the urge comes back stronger than ever.  I force myself to step away and let nature run her course.  If we're meant to fly, I remind myself, we'll find wings on our own - there are simply too many broken birds in the world to rescue them all.  Mending the wings or spirits or hearts of others is addicting, especially when we fail - and rather than accept the loss, simply vow to double our efforts next time.  In the extreme, often without even being aware of it, we find someone or something more broken to focus on - it conveniently provides an illusion of power and allows us to bypass looking at our own flaws.


Being a fixer at heart, I know this as surely as I know anything and it's only recently that I've come to see neediness as something less than a virtue.  It used to call my name with every drink my husband took, with every tear at every meeting, with every victim I passed along the way.  I validated myself with kindness and charity to others and never gave a thought to wondering why, convinced that to do otherwise would be un-Christian and even heartless.  It was comfortable to see them as weak willed and dependent, flattering to be called upon for counsel and advice and seductive to imagine I was the strong one - wiser, more stable, more emotionally adult. 


It's taken a lifetime to learn to look inward and not be so fearful of my own flaws and there are still times I hold my breath, expecting to be judged and terribly afraid of being found wanting.  


Other times, I'm taken by surprise by my own confidence. 


Sometimes these moments follow each other in such rapid succession that I'm not quite sure which face I'm wearing from one day to the next.


I wonder if the final lesson isn't to find a patch of ground somewhere between isolationism and over-helping and stake a claim to it.  Choose your entanglements with care and when you must, detach gently with love rather than a sharp stick.  Look to your own damaged self first.