The Myths of Motherhood

After nine months, she is about to be a mother - young, unmarried, with no concept of what her life is about to become, carrying the child of a man who uses drugs, batters her, steals her money, demands she support him, and spends his time with other young women. All mostly her fault, she assures us with one starry eyed lie after another, defending her abuser has become second nature to her.

She has been shopping for nine months, planning for what she expects to be a perfect baby doll boy-child, an infant she has already named. She dreams of leaving the charity hospital, medicaid card in hand, to a new life of Kodak moments and serenity where newborn infants don't cry or soil diapers, don't require 24 hour a day care, don't need to be fed or changed or watched over. Her vision of motherhood is about lacy baby outfits and fancy baby furniture rather than loss of sleep, medical bills, formula, laundry, or a lifetime of responsibility. It never occurs to her that a man quick willing enough to beat her, just might have no qualms about beating a child and she deflects any suggestion of reality with a bright, nearly forced laugh. Her illusions of motherhood are built on her determination not to repeat her own upbringing, not to treat her child as she herself was treated - she has constructed this fairy tale carefully, molding it to fit the happy ending that she wants so desperately, intentionally not seeing that her prince charming is badly flawed and likes to use his fists. There is no safety in these illusions, no rainbows end to be found even in her own nature, which is impatient, intolerant, critical and flat out bitchy when she doesn't get her way.

Motherhood is not magic and there's no quick start instruction manual. It may not be the first siege of colic or the first few rounds of round the clock feedings, it may not be the first few friends who drift away or the weariness but the novelty will wear off. Motherhood is not for the selfish, playing house with a man you lie for and protect at any cost is a dangerous game, self esteem is not born by producing a child and parenting can't be built on make believe.

Despite being a natural born cynic, I want to be proved wrong here. We have more than enough welfare mothers and battered women, more than enough neglected and abandoned children paying the price for their parents. The pretty and rosy illusions of motherhood fade when reality - or a fist - intervenes and introduces itself.

Men who hit women don't change.
Women who defend and rationalize such behavior need restraining orders and therapy, not children.