From the Sidelines

First, so the saying goes, the man takes a drink. Then the drink takes the man.

From the sidelines, I watched my mother and then my husband tumble into the depths of alcoholism, free falling into a haze of blackouts and abuse, constant denials and hidden bottles, secret drinking and erratic often self destructive behavior. There were tears and violent fights, threats and broken promises, silences so profound that nothing could have survived. For those who seek relief in addiction, there is no free will, no breaking away, no awareness of the damage they do to themselves and those around them. The disease takes all and leaves only tragic, broken people. Addiction is a dark place of deception, slow suicide, immeasurable pain and self delusion - it knows no limits, no boundaries, no hurt-free zones. It offers no choices. Caught in its vicious, secondary web, we struggle and the harder we struggle, the more securely we are ensnared. Addiction defies logic and reason, flaunts common sense, makes a mockery of rational thinking. From the sidelines, we can do little more than watch and try to keep out of the way. Nothing will make you crazier, faster than being caught up in a relationship between an addict and his drug and nothing is so seductive as the temptation to believe you can fix it. Contrary to popular opinion, insanity can be contagious.

I have since watched others sink into the depths - a kind and animal loving young lawyer, a talented musician, friends and lovers, ordinary people all, quietly overtaken and overwhelmed, some to their death and only a precious few to recovery.

From the sidelines of collateral damage, I've learned to celebrate success without interfering, encourage but not meddle, help but not enable. Higher powers are at work here and they will work in their own ways without my aid. My job is to care for my own sanity and my own needs, to detach and step back to a place where I can examine my own motives, to not get caught up in the struggle of others and still care. It is, so I've learned, just as for the addict, an everyday effort. Despite what we may want to believe and are willing to work so hard to achieve, we cannot cure, fix or change anyone but our own selves. Whether we're playing the game or just watching from the sidelines, the hardest battles are still fought within.

Cruel is fate
when it's power and its might
to the guilty and innocent are shown - Jed Marum