Chase, Corner, Calm

Nose poked through the mini blinds and every nerve quivering, the black dog suddenly erupts like an overheated volcano and begins a prolonged bout of frenzied howling. The small brown dog immediately joins in and startled cats jump for cover while I curse the flood of coke and ice that I have spilled onto my lap. It could have been a cat or a dog or a neighbor, the slam of a door or a blade of glass moving ever so slightly - she is a small powder keg of fear and tension, prone to random explosions without cause or warning. Once again I chase, corner, and calm her, all the while listening to my own heart pound with leftover shock. She wearies me beyond words and again I find myself thinking of a life without this wild, unpredictable and made of fireworks animal. And again, I know I cannot do it - we are chained, she and I, bound by the fact that it's not her fault and that I can't bring myself to end her life on account of a behaviour problem, despite the peace and quiet it would bring to the household. I would miss her too much.

The experts tell me her aggression is off the charts and based on fear, dominance, and the illness she suffered as a puppy. She is damaged and untreatable, every regrettable instinct she has exaggerated and heightened by misfiring circuits in her brain. She simply doesn't understand discipline or correction, doesn't respond to repetition or training, can't comprehend the word "no". She doesn't make the connection between actions and consequences, good or bad, has no impulse control and sees each cat she lives with as just another moving target. She is like a two year old in a perpetual and self sustaining tantrum - indestructible, inexhaustible, incomprehensible. And yet,
there is about her an endearing need to be loved and kept safe. She is never far from me, and were someone, anyone, to make a threatening move toward me, there would be severe consequences - she fights fiercely and blindly for what she loves with no thought of her own well being.

This is not your average dog, not anxious to please, not content to sleep in front of a warm fire and let the world go by, not able to discern good behavior from bad. She is over anxious and menacingly jealous, fearful and hostile, certain to bite without provocation, suspicious to the point of paranoia, and demanding of attention. She lives in a friendless and alien world and never lets down her guard. It may be that it is all these qualities that make me love and protect her so.

Sometimes I wonder what that says about me.