The French Dentist

When my first dentist finally retired - none too soon for his patients, I thought - my mother found another to take his place, a statuesque, dark haired woman with a pronounced French accent who favored stiletto heels and diamonds.This was my very first visit.

Her name was Francine and her practice in an upscale Brookline neighborhood was thriving. Nonetheless, she was a dentist and she inspired terror in me. I was old enough then to travel to and from her office on my own, the public transportation system in Boston being nothing if not widespread, and those afternoons on the train were long and dreary with no prospect of survival. By the time I arrived, I was undone - shaking with fear I couldn't articulate and often in tears and unable to breathe by the time I reached the elegant waiting room - there were oriental rugs and

impressionist paintings, loveseats and antique chairs, soft lighting and classical music in the background. Incense burned to cover the smell of antiseptic and I would huddle in a corner chair, trying to be brave, hoping for invisibility, and failing miserably at both. An assistant would lead me into a treatment room and Francine would appear, looking like a fashion magazine cover model and chattering in French, a language I did not find reassuring. She would smile at me with her perfect teeth and gesture with her immaculately painted nails while I contemplated the likelihood of suffocating from her perfume. It seemed an acceptable and even preferable alternative.

In the chair, I closed my eyes and desperately recited (in my head) every prayer and psalm that I could think of, lyrics to the current rock and roll hits, the alphabet, the state capitols, the presidents, anything that I could think of to distract me from the smells, the sounds of metal instruments with sharp points, the god awful drill than sprayed cold air on sensitive teeth and in an instant could make me rigid with a kind of nightmarish terror. This was the stuff of

emotional breakdowns and psychotic breaks. I was too frightened to speak and could only grip the arms of the chair with an iron intensity, keeping myself in place by sheer will which I feared would give way the moment I was told to open my mouth. I heard stilletto heels approach, Francine's multi-charmed bracelets jingled in my ear, the wrapper was torn off a hypodermic and blessedly and finally, I fainted. My last conscious thought was to silently blame my mother for not caring about my teeth.

I survived the Francine years, more or less intact, and thanks to the kindness and understanding of the dentists who followed, have made some progress with my phobia. Forgiveness, however, is out of the question.

Factory Girls

The Howard sisters were as different as night and day.

Vanessa was the oldest, a tall and slim girl with an inclination toward, as Nana said, unfortunate men. Glory was a few years younger, chubby and short, with a liking for any man at all. My grandmother had put them both on the forbidden list very early, saying they did not come from good stock and would constitute a bad influence on me. Naturally, I couldn't wait to spend time with them both. It was said that their parents had never married and although both were still living on the island, they did not live together and rarely spent time in each other's company or with either of their daughters. Van and Glory lived in a rambling, ramshackle old house in the middle of an open field across from the dance hall. It was rumored that the floors were of dirt and that they allowed livestock to live inside with them but no evidence of either claim was ever produced.

Both girls followed in the footsteps of the majority of the island women and by the time they were in their teens were old hands at factory work. They walked past the house each morning and evening, side by side in identical dress, each carrying a lunch pail and a hair net. They grew up on factory work, spending eight hours a day deep with the old factory building, on their feet, doing assembly line work as mindlessly as everyone else. They talked "women talk" - children, food planning, the latest from the Spiegel catalogue and of course, the standard fare of gossip. At the end of the day, they were two of many weary and worn out women who trekked back home tiredly, heads down and shoulders hunched over. Factory work was no easy life - mind numbing sameness for long hours and low wages and the sisters wanted more than the factory or the island men had to offer. One fine summer morning they simply did not appear for work. The talk began immediately but none of the gossip was even close - they had not run off with the scallop fleet, not been abducted, not eloped with married men, not quarreled and shot each other and neither was pregnant. They had simply pulled up stakes, borrowed a boat and crossed the passage at night and headed for the big city. Neither was heard from for years until a brothel in Halifax was raided and the owners were arrested and got their pictures in the paper. Good God Almighty! Nana exclaimed one morning over coffee, It's Van and Glory!

In time, both girls returned to the island - to retirement, comfort and no small celebrity. They lived the remainder of their lives quietly, chastened, reformed, and well to do. They were different as night and day but still sisters whether in shame and scandal or wonder and awe.

Thin Ice

"The best way out is always through it." - Robert Frost

Through the clouds to the sun, through the mud to the bank, through the tough times to the good. This is how we live and die and hopefully leave some kind of legacy. My friend Tricia has credited me with persistence, determination, and an iron will to survive. So as I sharpen my survival instincts and draw up a new economic survival plan, I try to remember her words and how much her friendship means to me. I try to believe, not always an easy task when life takes you down an unexpected and rocky road. Having faith is uncommonly hard facing an uncertain future and a wagon full of changes and cutbacks, none of which you've prepared for, but there is often no other way than to face front and put one foot in front of the other for as long as you can. Staying on your feet is a win when you're walking on quicksand and fear suffocating.

I wonder how other people less fortunate survive at all.

Chapter & Verse

My mother knew chapter and verse about soap operas and games shows.

She made beds to "Search for Tomorrow" and started supper to "The Match Game". Each day she sat with her crocheting or knitting and worked by feel with her ears and eyes captivated by the old black and white tv. She disliked interruptions of any kind and often wouldn't even answer the telephone except during the commercials. We learned to fend for ourselves after school and not bother her - there were always egg tarts or brownies to be had if we were hungry - and homework to hide behind. If she was at all aware of our comings and goings, she paid no mind. We didn't bring friends home or have sleepovers or have someone stay to supper. The unpredictability of addiction was paramount and the risk of some irrational and unexplained upheaval was too much to chance. She simply wasn't like other mothers who helped with homework or took you shopping or picked you up from a practice game. She didn't attend parent teacher conferences, didn't come to watch little league, skipped the Christmas pageants, was too busy for any of the recitals and couldn't spare the time to help with school projects. If parental involvement was called for, it fell to my daddy or someone else's mother and we were grateful - none of us wanted her exposed or out in public. We might not have been able to articulate the notion of shame, but we understood it and it's repercussions all too well.

There were no fingerpainted pictures taped to the refrigerator, no blue ribbons or gold stars or A+ papers on the bulletin board. No school events made the calendar, she didn't know the names of the teachers, had no idea of the grades we brought home. Addiction insulated, protected, and isolated her from the routine of motherhood. As a general rule, it did the same for her children. It was a very long time before we realized that our's was not an ordinary home, that other mothers were active and interested in the lives of their children, that they were involved and participated. Other mothers showed up when it mattered while our's hid behind alcohol. It was a conflicted and confusing time, caught between shame and gratitude at her absense, and feeling that neither emotion was exactly right, but without knowing precisely why.

In the first grade when we began to learn to draw and color, Miss Edwards asked that we paint a picture of our family. I painted my daddy, our dogs, my brothers and myself. When Miss Edwards asked about my mother, I said the first thing that came into my head - that I didn't have one. The lie came easier and it wasn't all that far from the truth.

A Day Late and A Dollar Short

My lawyer adjusted his bi-focals and shuffled the papers on his desk before looking up at my soon to be ex-husband and then frowning at me. A word, he said quietly and getting to his feet, steered me out of the office. In the hall, he crossed his arms and cleared his throat, meeting my eyes with a professional sterness. This, his voice calm but firm, is a mistake. He wanted an agreement that would secure me a lifetime percentage of my husband's income, I was entitled to it, had earned it, he assured me, and my husband wouldn't fight it. You need to let me write this in, he repeated, trust me. I took a deep breath and dug in, Absolutely not, I said fimly, I don't want his money. We had covered this ground before but couldn't reach any kind of agreement. He felt that I was making a decision on false pride and would come to regret it. I was feeling feisty, searching for a way to be independent for the very first time, determined to make it on my own. I wanted no pity, no soft words, and absolutely no charity, especially from the man I was divorcing. My freedom was within sight and I refused to compromise it by accepting long term funding which I suspected might have long term strings attached. My lawyer saw things quite differently and although he tried every argument and every tactic, I would not be moved. The papers were signed - against his legal advice - and we moved on.

Stubborness is in my genes and, as I did then, I often confuse it with self respect. The hard times that followed my first divorce and then my second would've been considerably easier with a supplemental income source and even now perhaps I would not have had to take a second job, but as my grandmother frequently told me, the milk is already spilled, best to clean it up and get a fresh glass. Long term thinking and my philosophy of "One day at a time" seem to be on a permanent collision course and I walk a fine line to keep them both in balance.

I've worked since I was fourteen - summer camp counselor to nurses aid to the telephone company to copywriter for a radio station. Administrative assistant for a theater renovation project to executive director of an animal rights group to college bookstores. Administrative assistant for an independent jewelry maker to camera store to modeling agency. And now with my 59th birthday behind me, I'm going to work two jobs to keep body and soul together, a day late and a dollar short, but still on the road. Whether it be stubborness or self respect I'm still not sure.

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Double Dares & Dish Towels

The roll of wire fencing had been carelessly left leaning against the back wall of the tennis court. It was a little over my height and a couple of feet thick but the center was hollow. Dare you! my brother was yelling with a menacing laugh, Double dare you! I knew better, of course, but I had a fierce desire to wipe the smug look of his twisted face and silence that nasty laugh. I was also about eleven, so in I climbed. I discovered instantly that "in" was going to be a picnic compared to "out" and predictably, as soon as I was in, my brother mounted his bike and rode away.

The only way out was up, holding onto the top of the roll. It's edges were barbed and very sharp and when I finally managed to get a grip, the wire tore into my hands and snagged on my clothes. Between the pain and the blood, I was very nearly panicked and though I yelled my heart out, no one came. When I did finally get out, my hands were cut, my clothes were torn and at the last minute a stray strand of wire had caught my upper arm and opened a long gash which was bleeding at an impressive rate. I began the walk home in dread with hate searing at me from within. The wound to my arm took a dozen or so stitches and I had to have a tetanus shot. My mother sat fuming in the emergency room and I knew the worst was yet to come - disturbing her afternoon routine was bad enough but forcing her to leave the house was downright suicidal and, as she pointed out for weeks, I had ruined some of her dish towels trying to stop the bleeding from my arm. Blood never comes out once it's set, she snapped at me as the young ER doctor sutured my arm, What were you thinking? He have her an odd look but said nothing and we rode home in a bitter silence.

I was sent to my room and denied supper. My brother sullenly claimed to have been elsewhere all afternoon and to know nothing at all about what had happened. I watched him lie as effortlessly as breathe, saw my mother side with him at once, heard my daddy's tired sigh at the commotion. The hate grew hotter and slowly began to improvise a life of it's own. The injustice of the incident burned bright, fueling the hatred and feeding my resentment. Vindictiveness is not a pretty emotion and each time I saw my brother's face smirking behind my parents backs, I hated more. I told myself to let it go but the fury hung on with an ever tightening grip and I began to seethe with rage and plan his destruction. I added up all the similiar wrongs he had done me and gotten away with, and the hate turned white hot and began to slip into my dreams at night.

Fifty years have passed and I can still call it back at will. The power and endurance of negative emotions is nothing short of miraculous.

Colorado Cowboy

He was taller than average and wore a straw cowboy hat to cover his baldness. His grin was almost shy, filled with mischief as he told stories about Colorado and Nashville, shaking his head and stepping back at the punch line with a hopeful look toward his audience. When he began to sing, I thought of syrup being poured on hot pancakes or ice cream melting - his voice was rich and the words blended almost to the point of being hard to understand. His songs were poetry, beautiful words and metaphors - most were nostagic and impossibly sad - they were life songs about broken hearts and lonliness, dying, the pain of change and loss, memories of lost things. Yet all seemed to suggest hope and a very gentle sense of faith and optimism. There was an indelible spirituality in his lyrics. When he changed gears in the second set and sang about cities and their slogans - based on bumper stickers - his audience laughed out loud and he gave them that little boy smile after each song. At the end, everyone stood, clapping and calling for more. He was a joy to listen to and a pleasure to shoot.

I'm always struck by the genuineness and down to earth qualities of the house concert performers. No matter what they sing or play, they are real - with families and troubles and mortgages. They are gifted and they share their talents openly. Their stories are true and their humor ironic, touching, and creative. They are, for the most part, folk singers and bound to a tradition of story telling and
protest, of songs based on actual events, of the emotional journeys we all take. They take living and set it to music and the evenings with them become very intimate and very special.

The Colorado cowboy's name was Chuck Pyle and his music stirred the souls of all who heard.

Old Horses

The back pasture at the farm extended past the pig pen and into the woods. On a clear summer afternoon, my daddy and I walked all the way to the trees and the good, clean smell of fir and pine was everywhere. We could hear birds and the far off sound of water, small creatures in the underbrush scurried away as we approached. The pasture was rocky and the rocks were patchy with damp moss and lichen. Sunlight filtered through the trees and the light played games with the shadows, the sky had nearly disappeared. We walked all the way to the small lake and back again to the barn and the old plow horse standing quietly in his stall. Flies buzzed and I could hear the random lowing of the cows, the infrequent rattle of an old car raising dust as it passed. We led the old horse out and my daddy lifted me up on him then took the reins and led him toward the vegetable garden. Hold his mane, my daddy said, but not too tight. The dusty old horse walked obediently, his hooves clacking on the rocks, head held high, tail swishing at flies. The cows were coming in, their bells echoing in the soft air as they plodded up the path and I knew it would soon be time for my uncle to meet them and settle them in for the evening. Ruby would be putting supper on the old wood stove. At the edge of the trees, my daddy turned the old horse around and gave me the reins, Take him back, he told me with a smile. He fell into step with us, silently smoking, hands in his trousers pockets and eyes on the ground. The leathery smell of the reins and the old horse was in my nose. Once in the stall, he showed me how to take off the reins and then how to groom and brush and feed. I hugged the horse's neck and began to cry for no reason. The horse whinnied, a gentle and loving sound, and my daddy gave me a sugar cube to feed him. His huge brown eyes seemed to thank me. We left the stall with the sun low in the sky and the smell of the old horse on our clothes, walking slowly toward the farmhouse, hand in hand. I love horses, I told him and he squeezed my hand and said Me too.

The Other Side of Help

Sometimes you have to hurt to help.

With multiple injections of anaesthesia and a healthy dose of nitrous oxide to boot, it was all I could do to keep focused on my own breathing, but from the next treatment room I could hear someone crying and whimpering, No, please, no. I could also hear Bill's gentle voice, trying to comfort and calm and for a few moments there would be silence then the crying would begin again. My heart broke for the young woman and for Bill who I know would rather cut off a hand then inflict pain upon a patient. I knew every pitiful cry was cutting him to his core and that whatever the procedure was, he had no alternative. When my visit ended, I learned that the young woman was in her late 20's or maybe early 30's and was suffering an infection following root canal surgery. Her jaw was swollen, she was in excruciating pain and it was one of those really hateful situations where she was going to have to be hurt to be helped. It was agonizing for everyone and the atmosphere in the office was tense, distraught, and on edge. We are not prepared or trained how to intentionally deliver pain to one another and less trained to witness it. Her suffering unnerved me and I left as quickly as I could, wanting only to be as far away from her cries as possible and at the same time, being slightly ashamed of my own unease.

My face was numb from the cheekbones down and I knew it would be several hours until all the feeling returned but I was outside, walking in the bright sun. Others were not so lucky and I said a short prayer of thanks for myself, and a slightly longer one for the young woman still in the chair and those trying to help her.

Gull Rock

Gull Rock stood near the breakwater around the Old Road. It was massive - wide as a house and easily as tall as a two story building. The gulls congregated there each morning and afternoon, so thick that you could barely see the top. They screeched and pecked at each other and from a distance it appeared as a solid, gray-white cloud formation. Layer after layer of guano had built over over time and the old rock was weathered and worn down. Nana claimed to be able to predict the weather by the activity of the seagulls and each morning she checked on them, standing on the side porch, eyes shaded against the bright morning sun. Only after that did she plan her day. Red sky at night, sailor's delight, she taught me, Red sky at morning, sailor take warning.

Davey Allbritton got the idea to climb Gull Rock simply because no one had ever done it. There was nothing to be gained by it, we told him, you reach the summit and you're ankle deep in seagulls and birdshit. But Davey was stubborn and he began to make his plans. He measured, sketched the rock from every angle, took pictures with and without the gulls, with the tide in and the tide out. He considered and discarded several possible climbing methods -
ladders, weights, even a parachute drop - the last he dismissed as impractical as he hadn't a plane. Eventually he designed a complex system of ropes and pulleys, weights and counter weights, harnesses and a safety net. He planned his assault for the last week in August and after taking an oath of secrecy and saying a short prayer for high tide and calm winds, he told us when and what time.

The day dawned bright and crystal clear and I crept out of the house undiscovered. Gull Rock was already covered with birds and the closer I got, the louder the noise became. Hundreds of seagulls were resting or flying on and over the rock, soaring and diving in patterns clear only to them. Davey was already on the rocky beach and laying out his equipment. He had thrown ropes across the rock and weighted them down on both sides with buckets of bricks and stones. He had fashioned the ropes into a makeshift ladder and up he climbed, hand over hand, step by careful step. The gulls flew in agitated circles over his head, some even attempting kamakazi style dives at him but he waved them off. He had soon actually reached the top and stood, hands raised toward the gull-filled sky in a gesture of triumph, delicately maintaining his balance on the slick guano and dodging seagulls at the same time. Behind him there was a brilliantly rose colored sky and in front of him a wide open ocean. Also behind him, although unbeknownst to us, was my grandmother who had witnessed the entire expedition from the side porch and could scarcely believe her eyes. Beside herself at the prospect of Davey's imminent demise, she had crossed the blackberry patch, jumped the ditch, and was bearing down on us at record speed. In her silk robe and flat soled slippers with her hair undone and flying around her face, hands bleeding from the blackberry thorns, she was an awesome sight. She reached the guardrail and pausing only to draw a breath and began screaming at the very top of her lungs, DAVEY ALLBRITTON GET OFF THAT ROCK THIS SECOND AND DON'T YOU DARE FALL!!

A startled Davey lost his balance and saved himself a breakneck fall by clutching the rope ladder for dear life. As he started back down, an avalanche of curse words poured from my grandmother in between her shouts of MIND YOUR FOOTING! and DON'T LOOK DOWN! When Davey was again on safe ground, she sank to her knees, one hand gripping the guard rail, the other pressed to her chest, breathing hard and breathing fire. We scattered before she could begin again but of course were all rounded up by breakfast and returned to her in the back of Uncle Shad's pick up truck. We were a sorry bunch, except for Davey who refused to be repentant. He stood with his hands jammed into the pockets of stained jeans, jaw stuck out in defiance. In exasperation, Nana gave him a firm swat and sent him home with his word that he would tell his folks what he had done so that she wouldn't have to. The rest of us were lectured severely and at great length, scolded about the dangers we'd invited, and how badly she had been frightened. She held out her bloodied, bandaged hands with a See what you did expression that made us all cringe with guilt.

Nevertheless, Gull Rock had been conquered.

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House Rules

At first glance, the thing skittering across the kitchen floor appeared to be the size of a small wildebeast. When my cognitive senses kicked in, I realized that it was a cockroach and I screamed.
My husband jerked out of his lazy, Sunday afternoon in front of the tv, jumped to his feet with a muttered curse, What the....... he began and then saw the thing. With enviable presence of mind, he calmly slammed his boot heel down and ground the vile thing into skeletal remains. It made a crackling noise that made me want to retch.

I do not consider myself a woman prone to nerves or delicacy. As a child, I had watched autopsies, baited my own fishing line, played with lizards, seen kittens come into the world. I don't faint at the sight of blood or panic easily and I'm not susceptible to sudden vapors so my reaction to this nasty but non-threatening insect was a puzzle. Granted, I'd been startled by it's sudden appearance and granted, it was an impressive size, but nevertheless it was still only a cockroach - a survivor if ever there was one, radiation-resistant and for all practical purposes, indestructible. None of which bothered me, I finally realized, as much as it's ability to skitter. And there, I had, at long last, identified the problem. I don't like things that skitter - they make me jumpy and they move so fast that it's impossible to predict what direction they'll go in which means that it could very well be over my bare foot. And that is what I'm really afraid of.

Time, of course, has passed since that day. I still see the occasional cockroach but I no longer scream, I simply crush them into oblivion without the slightest qualm and dispose of their wretched broken shells with a sense of satisfaction and higher purpose. House rule: If you skitter, you die.

Handle With Care

The black dog - nearly ten now - crawled to the top of the couch and promptly fell off with a thud. There was no sound for a second or two, then she appeared around the corner of the couch, eyes downcast, one back leg off the ground. She had re-injured her knee, likely dislocating her kneecap again, and as gently as I could I lifted her to the couch and laid her down. It wasn't long before she fell asleep. This will slow her down for a bit and Lord knows she looks pitiful with her awkward three legged gait but she'll adapt and adjust. She is just beginning to face the fragility of age and I comfort her as best I can.

Would that I could do the same for myself or my family and friends. We are all beginning to be more fragile, more aware and careful of the damage that a fall could do, more conscious of the danger of a misstep. We are gradually learning to live with our minds more on an unseen hazard control button - we pay attention when climbing stairs or hanging pictures, lifting something heavy or stepping out of the shower. We have always been frail creatures but never really knew it. It takes longer to heal now, longer to recover and get back. And we hate the limitations, the caution, the awareness. It doesn't seem fair to have survived all the foolishness and emotional wreckage only to be suddenly brought face to face with aging. And yet, at the same time, this is a wonderful time - full of freedom and promise, changes and challenges. We have survived this far, reasonably intact, with maybe just a little more wisdom, a little more patience, a little more kindness. We have mastered the art of moving on, past pain and bad luck, broken bones and promises. Now we have to master being careful. There are times when life seems to be a long, uphill climb and others when it's a gravity- driven rush downhill on your butt. I often find myself wondering what in the world happened to neutral, to middle ground - I don't seem to be able to find it.

The black dog, however, has no such issues, she knows only that she hurts and her instincts tell her what to do to minimize her discomfort. She walks carefully, favoring her leg and following her instincts. She is aging with more good sense and less trouble than I am.

No Chocolate Cows

Chocolate milk, my daddy told me, intently seriously, comes from chocolate cows. Then he immediately picked up his newspaper.

From her rocking chair. my grandmother Ruby cleared her throat and gave him a frown but held her tongue. The rest of the family nodded in agreement. Why, certainly, my Uncle Byron declared, head down and eyes lowered to the business of lighting his pipe, Had one for years. Ruby cleared her throat a little more forcefully and glared at her eldest son. I looked around the dining room table, going from face to face of my uncles, aunts and cousins. Those who would meet my eyes were straight faced, those who wouldn't busied themselves with a speck of dirt on the floor or an untied shoelace and Aunt Ivy became suddenly positive she had seen a mouse dart under her chair. My daddy was studying the newspaper with all his attention. There was not a sound until my grandmother put aside her mending, lowered her spectacles and beckoned me into her lap and began to laugh. Child, she said, giving me a hug, You can't believe everything people tell you, especially the people in this room. There are
no chocolate cows. My daddy lowered his paper and tried to apologize but there were tears in his eyes from
laughing and he made a poor job of it. Finally he took my hand and led me outside, down the veranda and to
the apple trees where he lifted me up to the branches and climbed after me. He explained he had been teasing and that it had been wrong and that he was sorry but he wouldn't promise not to do it again. There was a twinkle in his blue eyes and I knew that was as good as I was going to get so I settled. We stayed in the apple tree until Ruby rang the supper bell then he carried me back inside on his shoulders.

My daddy changed around his family. He became more at ease, laughed more often, accepted his own ability to be idle. He was a gentle, soft spoken man, always content to take a position in the background but he loved his family and the time he spent with them was precious to him. Sometimes they would chatter like magpies, other times there would be a wonderful, companionable stillness around the table. The family resemblance was almost eerie to me - each looked so much like the other and it grew more noticeable as they grew older. I felt free and safe with the family, I felt significant, even if there were no such things as chocolate cows.

A River in Egypt

My youngest brother had his first drink of beer at a backyard picnic when he was about five. Someone took a picture of him, fuzzy headed from a crewcut, wearing a striped shirt and baggy khaki pants, a can of beer tilted to his mouth and foam on his upper lip. It was, I suppose, meant to be cute.

By the time he was in junior high school, he was drinking every day and burying the beer cans under the backporch. By high school he'd graduated to hard liquor and had been brought home once or twice by the local police. High spirited, my mother told them, boys will be boys. He became a bartender, drifting from job to job in restaurants, bars, downtown hotels, even a local harbor cruise ship. He worked and lived the party life - experimenting with so called recreational drugs, sleeping all day and getting drunk at night. He wrecked a car or two, was arrested a time or two. He hardly ever drinks, my mother assured the police, I can't imagine what got into him. He married a girl who was also a bartender and they took on the world together - all night parties, binges, after hours clubs, fancy cars, expensive gifts. The money ran out and he had to borrow from my daddy to make the rent but he managed to maintain his lifestyle. He'll straighten up after the baby is born, my mother declared, you'll see.

At their first Christmas after the baby was born, there were drinks before dinner, drinks and wine with dinner, drinks after dinner, drinks in between and drinks for the road. The liquor cabinet was a maze of scotch, rum, boubon,

vodka, gin. There was a case of champagne chilling on the back porch, several cases of beer on the unheated side porch, two car trunks full of brandy. They do a lot of entertaining, my mother said, they have to be prepared.

As defense mechanisms go, denial is at the top of the list. That which we don't acknowledge can do us no harm,

that which we refuse to believe can't be real. We don't have to deal with those problems that don't exist. It's a pleasant, un-conflicted world when we close our eyes to the reality of pain, or heartbreak, or addiction or truth. My brother had discovered early that alcohol could dull the pain, could make things better if only for a little while, could step between him and real life. The more he drank, the more he needed. The more he drank, the more distance he could put between himself and those who cared about him. He was sheltered, protected from the consequences of his actions, never forced to be accountable. My daddy, having a lifetime of experience with my mother, simply shifted gears for his son and got him out of one jam after another. He widened his safety net and made sure that nothing closed in, no consequences, no penalties, no healing.

Denial is more than just a river in Egypt.

Extra Bread

The Ryans lived around the Old Road, father and son, both called William, in a small but well kept house that they faithfully repainted every few years. They had both fishermen all their lives and while Young William didn't remember his mother, there was evidence of her everywhere - lace curtains at the windows and the soft touches she had brought with her the day she arrived from Prince Edward Island during the time when some marriages were still arranged. Marjorie had died shortly after Young William had been born and Old William had never remarried. He had given his name to a stranger, he told Nana, but he'd lost his heart to his wife.

The day my mother struck our old dog with her car, the Ryans were passing. It wasn't much of an impact but Fritz yelped then began to howl. Both the Ryans dropped lunchpails and slickers and raced up the front path, arriving as my grandmother came out the back door, apron flying, Lady at her heels. You know he's a chaser! my grandmother was yelling, Why didn't you check to see where he was? My mother stood, car keys dangling from one helpless hand and crying while the Ryans knelt over Fritz. Take Lady inside, Nana told me firmly, Go now! And she gave me a healthy push towards the backdoor. I did as I was told but came right back, terrified that my beloved dog was dead and needing to be with him. I didn't think of my mother's carelessness but Nana was tending to that, snatching the keys away from her and ordering her inside with a rough shove and a disgusted look. Fritz had become quiet, laying on the gravel on his side while Old William ran his rough hands over him and Young William held his head, talking softly and stroking him. Back leg's broke, Missus, Old Walter told my grandmother, Gonna need a splint. He looked at me and smiled, his kind eyes were reassuring, He's gonna be fine, little one, fetch me some tape and some pieces of wood. He shed his jacket and cap and rolled up his shirt sleeves, gave Fritz's leg a sharp snap. In no time, my old dog's back leg was immobilized in a hand made splint and carefully taped. In a day or two, he had learned to walk, nose to the ground, hindquarters in the air, putting his weight on his front feet and the tip of the splint, one small leg dangling in the air. By fall he had recovered and the Ryans came to remove his splint. He favored the leg for a few days and Nana decided to keep him housebound but by Labor Day he was, as Young Walter said, fit to dance a reel.

No mention was made of the accident after that but my mother became much more careful about checking on the dogs before she drove away and Nana baked extra bread and pies all that summer, delivering them quietly to the Ryan's house when they weren't home.

Fame and Fortune

My friend John is a musician who has had some fame and fortune in his life and lost it. Now he plays the clubs and casinos and half heartedly works in a local music store to help support his daughter who lives with her mother. His little girl is the light of his life, a beautiful child who worships him. He is much loved in this small community - he has a warmth and generosity of spirit, a colorful and slightly offbeat sense of humor, a sense of having found contentment in the music. News that he was to be married rocked us all - it seemed that he was giving up his road dreams once and for all and was going to settle down and live a routine, working musician's life.

The ceremony was held on the stage of the Municipal Auditorium, once home to the Louisiana Hayride, Elvis, Hank, and other larger than life country music stars. The minister - a local musician himself - wore bluejeans and the only guests were family. Though there was no live music, there were echoes. The stage was littered with equipment for the evening's performance - two saxaphones and a keyboard, a guitar on a stand, speakers and electrical equipment and miles of cords and wiring. Afternoon light mixed with stage lighting and spot lights and now and then a ray of sun flashed on the purple, green and gold decorations. In the balconies a worker or two paused to watch the ceremony. John stood with one arm around his daughter and one around his bride and in a matter of minutes it was all said and done. The empty old building had worked it's magic again and it felt so right. We walked out, past signed pictures of Patsy Kline, Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, and dozens more to the bright afternoon sunshine of a beautiful summer day. There was much hugging and kissing and handshaking as befits a wedding. It was a new day for all and there will be new music to be played and new songs to be written.

Reading Required

My daddy loved reading.

He read books, magazines, newspapers - short stories, histories, novels, biographies, ususally in hard back if available, a bias he passed to me because I've never liked reading paperbacks - and he remembered and could quote what he'd read. He said it was a process of self-education and he was open minded to most anything that would help him learn. He was interested in things and people, inventions and theories, how things worked and what the world was doing. He never stopped a book because he'd lost interest or suspected how it might end. His joy was in the journey between the covers, his love of language and dialogue lasted him his whole life. He especially loved satire, British humor and Shakespeare but could be almost equally taken by Zane Grey or Mark Twain.

My mother favored glossy romance novels and scandal. She kept a copy of "Peyton Place" hidden in a drawer with stockings and underwear and her closet was littered with movie magazines and out of date TV Guides that she couldn't bear to part with. From a literary point of view, this was a marriage of true opposing forces and conflict. How could two so completely different people possibly be happy together? Their reading habits became a metaphor for their entire marriage to me, a kind of summary for all that was wrong between them. If ever there were two people less suited to each other, I've never met them. I know nothing of their meeting, courting, marrying, no details at all and as I look back, I wonder how that can be. Perhaps I never asked, understanding with some child's instinct that looking back could do no good.

So as my daddy sat in his recliner with Joseph Conrad open on his lap, my mother put aside her Grace Metalious in favor of a re-run of Laugh In. Maybe some of us are textbooks and others are Cliff notes.

A Change in Geography

The man facing me across the desk was unhappy and angry and at a loss for words. He wanted to talk to me about my future husband's drinking, the matter of missing funds, my own welfare. I didn't want to hear it and he didn't know where to begin. So we sat, both locked up and defensive.

We had been living in a small town on the Florida coast for almost a year. David was manager of the animal shelter but still spent time on the road and was on call most nights and weekends. Heartsick, I listened to the list of accusations. Failure to respond to an emergency calls, poor management, drinking on the job, drinking and driving, misuse of shelter funds, theft. Slowly it was explained to me that they had no choice but to let him go. They hadn't decided whether or not to file charges. It was like being locked in an airless closet with a maniac - though I knew every word was true and there was no escape, I still fought back. When they suggested that I should get help for my own sake - leave him while I still could, don't marry him, he'll take you down with him - I exploded with a kind of righteous fury and bolted. The world, which had been closing in on me for months, had suddenly caved in. The deadly truth glared at me from every angle, bearing down with an awful accuracy, tearing my carefully constructed denial system to pieces. I felt shattered, furious, sick, trapped and broken. Halfway home I changed course and drove to a hotel on the beach, certain only that facing David right away would be a mistake and that my mind was too much in chaos to think clearly. I spent two days alone in a hotel room, trying to find a way out. What finally sent me home was pride, shame, fear, and a refusal to admit failure - foolish, foolish
feelings to give in to.

When he realized I knew, David immediately admitted everything, even the theft. I listened to his remorse and guilt, his promises and apologies, saw his tears and heard his pleas. He was ready to get help, he swore, one more chance, he begged, if we get away from here we can make everything right. He was frightened and desperate and I shut down that part of my mind that was screaming "Don't do this!" and gave in. I pawned my cameras and my jewelry to raise the cash and we left Florida. I buried the feeling that this was the first of many steps down a dead end street and allowed myself to be convinced that all we needed was a change in geography. It was to take twelve more years before I faced my fears as well as the truth - the solution was in neither love nor geography but in giving up the lie. Even on a a dead end street, you can always turn around.

Dead Calm

There was not a breath of breeze and not a single leaf stirring. Even the birds and squirrels had taken refuge and were nowhere to be seen. The heat was heavy, oppressive, so thick that it took your breath away and drained your energy like a giant suction machine. Tree limbs hung, still as stone, not the least flutter to be seen and not a single child's voice to be heard. The heat encased us like a heavy, wet, woolen blanket. It was dead calm with no relief or escape in sight.

The maple tree, centered squarely in the middle of the back yard, provided the only shade and we were gathered under it, sitting at the splintery, old wooden picnic table, celebrating my mother's birthday. She was suffering - wilted and drenched with sweat, she drank can after can of cold beer and pressed ice to her face, throat, and neck. It didn't help much and she looked ready to faint, the sweat made her appear to be melting in front of our eyes. My daddy tried to tempt her with cold potato salad and iced coffee but she waved him away. He dragged out an old box fan and set it directly in front of her, set it at the highest setting, and the steamy air began to blow at her. She leaned into it, eyes closed, hair plastered to her forehead. When she shook her head, a fine shower of sweat sprayed around her. She dug both hands into the barrel of ice to retrieve another can of beer, pressing it to her cheeks before opening it and gulping it down. My daddy kept his silence while he piled paper plates with potato salad, chilled fruit,

pickles and cold chicken. He had offered to grill and she had snapped at him sharply, suggesting that he had lost his mind if he thought a fire was a good idea in this kind of heat. He'd shrugged and opened another bag of ice, her words and tone melted harmlessly away before they struck him. This trick of deflection was something I would never learn - sharp words sting me to this day and my mother's voice still plays in my head when I least expect it. I used to wish for an invisible shield that I could hide behind and be protected by - her words would hit it and bounce off before they could harm me. On this afternoon though, there was nothing to fear. She was consumed with the hateful heat and paying no mind to anyone else. Finally, her food untouched and presents unopened, she staggered toward the house, saying she couldn't stand another second. No one protested and it took hardly any effort to persuade my daddy to turn on the sprinkler and join in a game of water tag

The rare late summer heat wave broke a few days later and the birds and squirrels returned to the yard. Labor Day passed and we returned to school. Summer was soon forgotten. Life, W.E. Timmons wrote, is not about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain

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The Old Lady Cat

Chloe watches me type with interest, making an occasional comment if I glance her way. Without my really noticing, she has become old - heavier, darker, slightly slower, but just as ill tempered as always. She has never accepted the presence of other animals in ths house and has never met a another human for who she any use whatsoever. When she was younger, she sought out the high places - top shelves, a basket atop the refrigerator -

but now she spends her days sleeping in an old Ethan Allen chair in the guest room. She opts for the room used the least and she sleeps with one territorial eye open, listening for intruders and growling out warnings when they enter. I pray she wil be spared the indigities of old age but realistically I know that she and I will too soon be forced to make that one way trip to the vet. There is precious little comfort in knowing that she has had a good life, a long time, that she has been sheltered and loved every step of the way and will be missed. She is a fine cat, independent and feisty, stubborn and tempermental, a loner and a survivor, all the things that cats strive to be and all the things that I admire about them. She will not go gently.

I am comforted by the sure and certain knowledge that Joshua waits for her and will be glad to see her again. That he will watch over her as he did from the moment that he dragged her out from under the house, kicking and screaming, orphaned and barely six weeks old. She wasn't much to look at - scrawny, dirty, hungry - but Josh wouldn't take no for an aswer so into our lives she came.

I spend a few minutes with her each morning. She purrs fiercely and nuzzles under my chin, licking my neck with her sandpaper tongue and kneading her front paws into my shoulder. If I stop stroking her, she will give me a small nip as if to tell me to pay attention, then settle back into my lap and look at me with her green eyes wide open. I can sense her contentment and feel her heartbeat and as I cradle her small, warm, furry body, I wonder if she knows how much I love her and how glad I am to have her. Her body tenses as I move to put her down and she reaches for my shoulders with both front paws and we rub noses and I give her a last minute hug. It seems that I turned away for an instant and ten years passed.